Our Collective History
by Willful Redhead
Summary: Crane stepped out into the deep starlight gazing up into the night sky. He was overwhelmed. "This pain, isn't yours alone." The words still echoed in his mind; it rolled around in all the empty places in his heart. Could it be that their private loss was part of something that stretched beyond the edges of the Circle Bar Seven?
1. Chapter 1

_Sometimes I think that I've written far too many stories, but I suppose if you are tired of me and my particular McFadden take - you can choose not to read them. I was re-watching my episodes and wished there were more which of course made me think of a story. I hope that you enjoy it and whatnot. I always appreciate your reviews._

Fifteen year old, Crane McFadden pushed open the door to the local market and went straight for the candy aisle. He had just enough time before school for a quick stop and he was starving. To be perfectly honest, he was almost always starving. It seemed that no matter how much he ate, he still felt hungry. It drove his older brothers crazy.

"You just ate!" Brian would say when Crane would open the refrigerator ten minutes after dinner. "I gotta double the food budget just for you!"

His brothers worried about money. They worried about the ranch, and their younger brothers, and the stacks of bills on the table. They worried about a lot of things, and Crane hated that his never-ending hunger added to their stress. He had started hoarding his pennies and dimes, so that he could stop in before school and grab a snack for himself. He tried to eat less at home, too, but his growling stomach wasn't happy about it. And eventually, Adam, who could be surprisingly observant for a twenty year old, noticed.

"Buddy, you can't starve yourself." He said one afternoon.

"I'm not."

"The hell you're not! Look at you! You starting to look like you just left Auschwitz. Go on, eat something." He put a hand on Crane's shoulder.

"I don't want to mess up the food budget." He said softly.

"Oh, don't listen to Brian! He's not happy 'less he's complaining. Don't you worry about the budget! Eat."

Crane appreciated Adam's encouragement, but still he tried to hold back a little, and tried to help things out by buying himself a snack or two. He contemplated the candy aisle and decided on Peanut Butter Cups figuring it was sort of healthy - what with the peanut butter and all. He hummed cheerfully and headed to the front to pay, but his path was blocked by Mrs. Anderson, a rather large, rather slow-moving woman who was liable to pat him on his head and say, "Oh, you poor, poor dears."

Living in a small town like they did, everyone knew their story. And, as Adam was quick to point out, you could drown yourself in a pool of pity if you wanted to. The town was filled with women whose eyes would grow big and sad at the sight of any McFadden boy. It pissed Adam off, and bugged Crane too. Brian, however, reveled in it - and got free meals and phone numbers whenever he went into town.

"Stop fighting gravity." He used to tell Adam. "If it makes them happy to buy me a steak dinner, who am I to take that away from them? Besides, there's a lot of pretty girls around town."

Avoiding, Mrs. Anderson he quickly turned down another aisle, accidently dropping the candy bar. As he knelt to pick it up, he was brought down to eye-level with a row of soaps, bubble bath, and lotions. The smell of lavender sent him reeling backward in time.

"_Wait! I forgot something!" His mother said as they neared the front of the store._

"_Mom!" He wailed. "This is taking forever!"_

"_Oh, Crane, stop complaining. Listen, sweetheart, go over to that third aisle there, and grab me some of that lavender bubble bath."_

"_Mom! That's for girls!" He said horrified. "I can't do that!"_

"_I'm not asking you to use it. I just need you to . . .Oh, never mind. You stay here with the little guys. I'll be right back." She handed him, Ford who was sleeping in her arms, and disappeared down the long row._

_He held his baby brother overwhelmed with guilt. His father had often pointed out that his mother was the only girl in a house of men, and therefore should be treated with utmost kindness. "She's a brave girl, boys, and we need to treat her carefully. Look for ways to make things easier for her - that's the McFadden Rule Number One. You prove your manhood by how well you treat your girl."_

_He hung his head shamefully, unable to meet her eyes when she returned._

"_I'm sorry, Mama. I should have . . ."_

"_Oh, Crane." She said with a laugh, reaching out and lifting his chin. "You are allowed to be nine. You forget, I've had two nine year old's already. Don't worry about it, sweetheart." _

His feet felt rooted to the ground, and he reached out with a tentative hand and lifted the bottle off the shelf. He flipped open the lid and smelled the sweet scent. He hadn't realized that he was crying until he saw Ben, the store owner, standing over him.

"Crane?" He asked gently. "Did you hurt yourself? You okay?"

Embarrassed, he wiped a sleeve across his eyes, and quickly put the bottle back on the shelf. Rising he said quickly, "No. I . . . I . . . I'm sorry. I was just . . ."

Ben glanced at the bottle that Crane had set back on the shelf. "You want to buy that?" He asked somewhat perplexed, and then pausing a moment said, "Your mom used to buy that?"

"Yeah." Crane said softly sniffing. "Sorry, I didn't . . ."

"Oh, don't worry about that." He said waving a dismissive hand at Crane who had stood, and was now staring at his shoes. "You hungry?"

Crane shrugged his shoulders unable to meet the man's eyes.

"When I was your age, I was _always_ hungry. Come on, let's go over to Marie's. I'll buy you breakfast."

"No, I gotta get to school."

"Ah, to hell with school. Come on." He turned without waiting for a reply and Crane reluctantly followed him out of the store.

"Karen, I'll be back." Mr. Gunn said over his shoulder as he led Crane out and across the street to the cafe.

He sat down at the table, hoping that no one could tell he'd been crying, and that Ben wouldn't give him a "pep" talk. People were always pulling them aside and telling them inspirational stories, or giving them words of encouragement. Once, a teacher at school pulled him aside to tell him a long story about how hard things had been after his favorite dog had died. The whole time Crane had nodded his head, and listened politely, but inside, he was thinking of ways to beat the crap out of him. As if the loss of a stupid dog, could match the searing anguish of being parentless at fourteen.

"Give 'em the works, Marie." Ben said when she walked up to the table. "Look at him."

"Don't your brothers feed you?' She asked one hand on her hip. "I think I better starting making you fellas three casseroles not two. I didn't realize how tall you've become." She squeezed his shoulder and disappeared.

"Adam's gonna be mad I cut school. Maybe I should . . ." Since, Adam had turned eighteen, they worried less about being taken from their home, but social services still kept a close eye on them all.

"Oh! I'll go call the school." Ben said and Crane watched him walk up front and borrow the phone. By the time he came back, Marie had set two plates in front of Crane. He looked down and was overwhelmed with the sight of so much food. Eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, four pieces of toast, an English muffin, and four pancakes.

"That's more like it." Ben said taking his seat.

"Juice or milk?" Marie asked him.

"Orange juice, please." Normally, he always drank milk because it was more filling.

"I'll bring both." She said with a nod. "Ben, you want anything?"

"Oh, this coffee is fine." He said lifting the cup to his lips. "Well, maybe some toast?"

"I'll be right back."

"Don't wait on my account. Go ahead, Crane." Ben said.

Crane lifted his fork hesitantly and looked up to see Marie set two glasses in front of him.

"Thank you." He said before taking his first bite, and was horrified when tears filled his eyes.

"Oh, that's alright, Crane." She said gently, resting a hand on his shoulder. "I always feel appreciated when someone with a good appetite eats my food." She turned away, and Crane watched her wipe tears out of her own eyes.

"Go on." Ben said encouragingly, ignoring Crane's tears.

He ate it all, and when Marie put a piece of banana cream pie in front of him, he ate that too. Sitting back in his chair, he felt that his stomach would burst.

"Enough?" Ben asked with a laugh. "If you need more, let us know now. Marie's got a side of beef in the freezer, and she'll need to defrost it for ya."

"No, I'm full." Crane said.

"Good." Ben said. "Doesn't happen too often does it?"

"No." Crane said honestly.

"I remember fifteen." Ben said with a shake of his head. "Once, I got up in the middle of the night, I was so hungry. I ate everything that was in that refrigerator. My mother was furious when she got up that morning!"

"Thanks Mr. Gunn, I really appreciate it. I don't know why . . ."

"Strangest things set it off, don't they?" Ben said thoughtfully. "I was twenty-two when my sweet mama died. And once, I was standing in the laundry mat, over in Sonora, and the smell of that damn fabric softener took me back to when I was a boy helping her with the laundry. I bawled like a baby in front of everyone. People must've thought I was crazy. I was so embarrassed, I rushed out and left all my clothes there!" He looked over at Crane who said nothing. "Come on, Karen's watching the store still. I'll drive you home."

"I should probably get back to school."

"Nah, some days, you just got let the sorrow win. You can't fight it all the time." Ben said standing and Crane followed him out of the store. "Go get in the truck. I just gotta talk to Karen." He said disappearing.

Crane climbed in the truck and sat waiting. He could see the elementary school from where he sat and scanned the playground filled with children for his brothers. He saw Evan playing soccer on the big field, but couldn't spot Danny, until he finally saw him alone on a bench. He sighed, feeling a heaviness, but not just from the huge meal he'd just consumed.

"Alrighty." Ben said climbing in next to him, and setting a bag on the seat between them.

"Adam's gonna . . ." He began.

"Don't worry about Adam." Ben said.

But Crane did worry. The entire ride home. He was sure Adam would be mad at him for missing school and seeing Crane upset like he was would worry him to no end. Adam worried enough.

Ben stopped his truck in front of the house, and followed Crane up the steps.

"Thanks for bringing him home, Mr. Gunn." Adam said stepping onto the porch with a hand outstretched.

"Oh, call me Ben." Mr. Gunn said shaking his hand. "No trouble at all." He turned to Crane and handed him the bag he had carried in his arm. "You keep that for when you want to remember." He reached out and squeezed the boy's shoulder before darting back down the stairs and into the truck.

Crane stood staring at his feet, unable to meet his older brother's eyes.

"I was just feeding Guthrie lunch. You wanna help?" Adam asked opening the door. He followed Adam into the kitchen where Guthrie sat at the table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"Crane!" Guthrie said happily.

"Hey, buddy." Crane said smiling at his rather sticky-looking baby brother. "That jelly's supposed to go on the _inside_."

"I know, right?" Adam said with a laugh. He set a cup of milk in front of Guthrie, and sat beside their baby brother. Crane sat down across from him.

"What's in the bag?" Adam asked.

Crane reached in and pulled out the bottle of bubble bath without meeting Adam's eyes. Adam reached over and lifted the bottle to his face, smelling it.

"Smells like Mom." He said gently.

"Yeah." Crane said fighting down tears again. "I don't know what happened, Adam. I'm sorry for missing school."

"Well, it sounds like you got kidnapped by Mr. Gunn, so it's not really your fault." He glanced at Guthrie before turning back to Crane with sigh. "Some days it just sucks."

"Yeah." Crane agreed. "It really does."

"You wanna talk about it?" Adam asked him as he lifted Guthrie out of his seat and over to the sink to clean his face.

"Nothing to say." Crane said with a sigh.

"Crane," Adam began.

"No, it isn't like last year, Adam. I just mean . . ." He rose and handed Adam a towel so he could dry Guthrie's face. "Some days the sorrow wins."

"Yeah." Adam agreed thoughtfully. "Yeah." He gave his younger brother a sad smile.

"Crane!" Guthrie said lifting his arms, and both brothers smiled at him.

"Well, on the other hand," Adam said. "Nothing mends a broken heart like an afternoon with smelly cows."

"I don't know." Crane said teasing. "I might sit around and think tragic thoughts."

"You can think tragic thoughts at the upper pasture, too." Adam pointed out.

The front door slammed just then and the brothers looked up surprised, as Brian stormed in.

"I've had it, Adam! He cut class! He just walked out!"

"No, he didn't. Mr. Gunn called the school. You were out so I didn't get a chance to tell you." Adam said turning to Brian who stood against the doorjamb fuming.

"What are you doing home?" Brian said seeing Crane standing next to Adam.

"He came home early. I thought that's what you were . . . wait. What are you talking about?" Adam asked.

"Danny. Who the hell else would I be talking about! He cut class! And now he's sitting out there in that truck and won't get out!" Brian said. "I had to drive all the way into town to pick him up and then he won't say one damn word the whole way home! I swear, Junior, Dad would tan his backside!"

Adam handed Guthrie to Crane and sighed heavily. He passed Brain in the doorway who stood shaking his head.

"Don't baby him, Junior. He can't be cutting class!" Brian said following Adam to the front room.

"Don't call me Junior, Brian or I'll tan _your_ backside." Adam said before stepping outside.

Adam studied his younger brother who sat in the truck with arms crossed. He could have laughed. Danny looked pissed off; one angry little man. He opened the passenger door.

"Come on." He said quietly. "Get out." But Danny just turned his face away. "Daniel, get down out of that truck right now."

"No." Danny said stubbornly, his face still turned away.

"You get your backside down out of that truck, Daniel Robert McFadden, or will I climb up there and put my damn boot in it." He kept his voice stern. Slowly, reluctantly, Danny climbed down. He stood beside the truck, his fists balled, his face a mask of fury.

"You cut class?' Adam asked him.

"Just art." He said. "I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal out of it. I already know how to color."

"I don't even know . . ." Adam sputtered in frustration. "You are twelve years old, Danny. You go to school. That's the deal."

"Brian didn't even ask me why I cut class. He just started hollering! I don't even care!" He stormed angrily in the house and up the stairs slamming the door behind him.

Adam stayed where he was and tried to push down his fury. He had no idea how his mother had ever managed his brothers. Every single one was so different, and it was never ending, hard, hard work, keeping up with everyone. He walked back into the house, where Crane sat on the floor rolling a ball back and forth with Guthrie. Brian sat on the arm of the couch beside them.

"You see?" He said angrily. "I understand he's a sensitive kid. But come on! He's acting like a spoiled brat."

"You hear me arguing with you?" Adam said with equal heat. "I'm twenty, Brian. You could cut me a little slack on my parenting skills, alright."

Brian stepped back as though he'd been struck. "Yeah, yeah." He said his voice calmer now. "I'm sorry, man. I just . . . I get so frustrated."

"I know the feeling." Adam said running a hand through his hair. "Look, let's let him sit on it awhile. We got work to do."

"Cows!" Guthrie said clapping his hands with joy. "Cows!"

"You want me to talk to him?" Crane asked.

"No, I want you to work." Adam said grinning at him. "Stop trying to find a way to sit on your butt all afternoon." He smiled at Crane who grinned back.

"Why are you home anyway?" Brian asked.

"Because Mr. Gunn bought him breakfast and gave him bubble bath." Adam said with a wink at Crane. "Come on, fellas." He lifted Guthrie off the floor and head out the back door to the barn.

"What?" Brian asked following Adam out the door.

***7***

"We waited for you at the bus, but you didn't come. And then Mrs. Simons said we had to get on the bus 'cause it was leaving." Evan said when Danny met them at the bus stop.

"I went home early." Danny said. "Adam should have called."

"I wasn't scared. Ford was."

"I was not!" Ford said highly offended. "Why couldn't you call?"

"Shut up, Ford." Danny said angrily and then immediately felt guilty when Ford's bright blue eyes clouded over with sorrow.

"I don't gotta, shut up." Ford said.

"You don't gotta be mean, Danny!" Evan said wrapping an arm around his younger brother and the two of them walked away toward the house. He watched them as they climbed the porch steps, and were greeted at the door by Brian who leaned in close to them, and then rising studied him from afar.

"_Great_" Daniel thought to himself. _"Just great!"_

He moved slowly across the yard and up the steps and into the house. He could hear his brothers in the kitchen but he stayed rooted where he was.

"Stables need mucking."

He looked up surprised to see Brian standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. He considered arguing just for the sake of arguing, but seeing Brian's icy stare, decided to go to the barn. Besides, mucking out the stables was just about right. At least the work fit just how he felt.


	2. Chapter 2

"You gonna miss dinner?" Crane asked Danny who sat on a bale of hay inside the cold barn. "It's kind of hard to tell, but I think Brian made stew." Danny said nothing. "Don't worry. We still got that roast from Mrs. Thompson."

"I'm not talking about it. And I ain't apologizing." Danny said stubbornly.

"Apologize? For Brian's stew?" Crane asked. "Nobody said anything about apologizing. Did I?"

"No, but I know that's what Adam'll say. He's not my dad!"

"Nope. He's not." He shook his head at Danny. "You wanna go talk to your dad? I'll go with you. Go get your horse. He's just across town." Crane said angrily. Danny shrunk down staring at his feet. "No?"

"What ya gotta say, crap like that! Jesus, Crane!" Danny turned an angry face at his brother.

"Well, you were complaining about Adam telling you what to do; acting like he's got some damn choice about it. You haven't got any other options, Danny."

"Yeah, well, everyone gets all in a twist because I left one stupid art class!"

"You must have had a reason for doing it." Crane said considering Danny thoughtfully. "I mean, you know cutting class is gonna get noticed. You know Adam's gonna find out."

Danny shrugged.

"You got a reason?" Crane asked him.

"Maybe." Daniel said after a time. "But Brian sure as hell didn't ask me before he started yelling at me." He stood up and stormed out of the barn, across the yard and into the house. The living room was packed with all his brothers.

Homework hour.

He stood, hesitating for a brief second, daring any one of his brothers to say something. They all just looked up and he crossed the room, pausing to kick over a stack of blocks Ford was building before storming up the stairs.

"Hey!" Ford said beginning to cry.

Brian looked over at Adam, shaking his head, but then crossed to the floor where Ford sat crying. "Hey, buddy. We can make it even taller this time." Ford crawled into Brian's lap and sniffed as Brain began to restack the blocks.

Adam rose from where he had been sitting at the table, helping Evan with his spelling words. He paused seeing Crane come in.

"He tell you anything?" Adam asked.

"No, it was pretty much the Go-to-Hell routine." Crane said with a sigh.

"Do your homework." Adam said gently and then turned to take the stairs slowly.

"Good luck, there partner." Brian said from where he sat with Ford.

"You don't wanna give it a crack?" Adam asked hopefully.

"Hell, no." Brian said with a grin. "Sorry, _Dad_."

"I wish . . ." Adam said softly and Brian was sorry he had chosen to tease him just then.

"You are doing just great. Danny's just being a pill. Everyone's a pill now and again." He said by way of apology. "Ain't that so, Ford?"

"Don't say ain't." Ford corrected without looking up from the blocks he was playing with.

"Good boy, Ford." Adam said reaching out and patting his younger brother on the head. He looked up at Adam with bright blue eyes and a big grin. Adam felt a wave of contentment wash over him. _At least I haven't messed Ford up, yet._ Adam thought before turning to climb the stairs to where his petulant brother was waiting.

***7***

Brian watched Adam climbed the stairs with a shake of the head, and thinking, "Lord, help the poor bastard." He turned his attention back to his younger brothers. He laughed seeing that Guthrie had fallen asleep playing. He lay blissfully asleep surrounded by his toy cars.

"Someone's tired." He said. Crane and Evan looked up and laughed, while Ford stood next to Brian, his hand resting on his leg.

"Gonna put him to bed?" Ford asked looking up at his tall brother.

"Yep, mister. Do you mind being a helper, and putting away his cars?"

"Sure, Brian." Ford said cheerfully.

"You are such a good big brother." He smiled as Ford had already set to work gathering up Guthrie's toys. Brian bent and lifted his baby brother - who wasn't so much of a baby anymore. He carried him upstairs, ignoring the sounds coming from Daniel's room where Adam was no doubt hard at work trying to make sense of their most cantankerous and difficult younger brother. He quietly changed Guthrie into his footie pajamas, and tucked him into bed. He sat down with a sigh and glanced at the clock; 7:45.

It was ridiculous. He was eighteen years old and he was just waiting for it to be 10:00 so he could crawl into bed. He felt like he was 40 years old.

_You are such a good big brother._

He had spoken those words just a few minutes ago, but they echoed somewhere deep inside him.

"_This is Crane." His mother said as he approached her bed shly. She held the small bundle out to him. "He's your brother."_

"_He's small." Brian said._

"_So were you once." She said reaching out with gentle fingers and rubbed his cheek. _

"_Here you go partner." His father said reaching down and lifting him up to sit on the bed near his mother. _

"_Can I touch him?" Brian asked._

"_Of course." His mother smiled at him with bright eyes. _

_He reached out with his fingers and touched his baby brother's soft cheek._

"_Oh! He's soft." Brian said surprised. He touched Crane's tiny hand, and instinctively Crane latched on tight. _

"_He's strong." Brian said smiling._

"_He's holding on because he knows you are his brother." His father said smiling down at him._

"_I'll take care of you little brother." He said looking at the tiny baby._

"_You are such a good big brother." His mother said._

"You okay, Brian?" Brian blinked away tears and turned to see Crane leaning against the doorway.

"Yeah, I was just . . . I dunno." He sighed.

"I'm gonna go check on those lambs. I figured you and Adam could use a break."

"Thanks Crane." Brian said. He walked over and reaching out with a gentle hand patted Crane's face gently. "You are a good brother."

"Don't get all mushy." Crane said disdainfully, knowing that Brian was much more comfortable with teasing than declarations of affection.

"Sorry." Brian said watching Crane go out and down the stairs.

He thought again of his mother's sweet, face looking down at baby Crane. By the time, Guthrie had been born, he had been fairly irritated with his parents endless pregnancies. As a teen, he'd been mortified seeing his mother's round belly. _Don't they have any self-control?_ He had thought embarrassed. But now, all these years laters, he took tremendous comfort in all his brothers. He could not imagine enduring the loss of his parents without Adam at his side. He might complain of being trapped and living the life of an old man, but he took great joy and comfort in his little brothers. Every one of them gave him strength and such peaceful contentment. Even now, even listening to Danny arguing with Adam in the other room, even in the midst of his frustration to deal with his difficult, perplexing brothers, he understood that somehow his brothers saved him; healed him.

He glanced downstairs and said, "Ford! Evan! Time to get ready for bed! Brush those teeth! Come on, cowboys!"

He watched as they climbed the stairs and raced down the hall to their room together. Grinning at them still, he turned and drawing in a deep breath, he pushed open the door to Danny and Crane's room. Adam was a good big brother too, so the least he could do was help him out and wished for the ten millionth time since they'd laid their parents to rest, that he could travel backwards in time, and somehow stop that big rig before it smashed into his parent's truck, ripping not only his parents' love, and protection, but robbing them of all their wisdom too.


	3. Chapter 3

Adam stepped into the room that Crane and Danny shared trying to ignore the clutter. _Now is not the time for a lecture, _he told himself. Danny was sitting on his bed, and as Adam entered, he saw Danny quickly tuck a picture of their parents under his pillow. Sometimes the weight of life seemed to bear down hard on his shoulders - as though gravity itself became heavier. Seeing his little brothers struggle with grief always made him feel inadequate and lost.

"So," He began and pulled the desk chair over near the bed, sitting down. "You decided to skip art."

"I ain't gonna talk." He crossed his arms angrily. "It's not like anyone would listen anyhow."

"Listen, Danny, I'm going to overlook your horrific grammar choices for now, but don't push it."

"Yeah, my grammar's what you ought to focus on right now." He muttered under his breath.

"Don't play me a fool, Daniel. You are doing it on purpose just to get me riled." He sighed studying his younger brother. "Look if you wanna go ten rounds, it's fine by me, but it seems a waste of time. How about you just tell me why you left school today?"

"I don't wanna."

Adam sighed, fighting down a massive wave of anger. He wanted to yell and scream at Daniel and a year ago he just might have, but being a parent whether by choice or accident, you learned over time.

"You want to call Dr. Richards? I'm sure she could set up an appointment for you."

"No." His tone was softer now.

Dr. Richards had really been helpful to both Adam and Danny. She had helped Danny manage his anger, and sorrow. The school had suggested Adam take Danny to see someone - a psychiatrist and once Adam had gotten over his preconceived ideas about therapy - he recognized how much Danny needed someone to talk to. He was grateful now that someone had been wise enough to step in and intervene.

"So, we got a problem. You are upset. You walked out of class and you've been storming around this house. You have been mean to just about everyone who has wanted to help you - you were even mean to your little brother which isn't like you. But you won't to talk to me, or Brian, or Crane, and you don't want to talk to Dr. Richards. You want to call Marlene?" He kept his voice calm and even.

"I don't got a problem," Danny said stubbornly. "You got a problem."

The door opened and Brian walked in the room just then.

"Hey there fellas? How are things going?" He asked but Adam just shook his head.

"Well, seems like Danny's got his heels dug in. He doesn't want to talk to us _and_ he is mad because we aren't listening." Adam said.

"That so?" Brian asked, but Danny just turned his face away.

"Well, I guess we got ourselves an unsolvable situation then." Brian said nonchalantly. "I mean he won't let us help him, but he is clearly in a bad place. Kind of reminds me of a stubborn cow stuck in the mud. Don't it?"

"It does." Adam agreed. "You want to have him sit up here 'til he cracks? He'll get hungry eventually."

"I suppose. Although, he's not real fond of my food." Brian rubbed his chin.

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Danny said angrily.

"Well, you aren't talking. What do you want us to do?" Adam asked with eyebrows raised. "I want to help you Danny, but you got to talk. Why did you leave school today?"

"I don't have to talk to you!" Danny said standing angrily. "You can't make me!"

Adam stood up blocking Danny's path.

"Hey," He said allowing some of his frustrations to leak into his tone. "Listen, you can't be stomping and yelling and screaming. There are six other people in this house! You calm down."

Danny lashed out then in frustration, his small fist landing in Adam's stomach. "Shut up! You aren't my Dad! You can't tell me what to do!" He hit Adam again, who looked at Brian in surprise. "You aren't my Dad!" He repeated over and over, hitting Adam again and again.

Brian moved to grab Danny from behind but Adam shook his head, and simply accepted Danny's hits. After a few minutes of fierce anger, Adam reached out and held Danny's arms with firm, but gentle hands.

"No, buddy, I'm not." Adam said quietly. "But I knew him really well, and he wouldn't want to see you suffering like this. He'd be sad to see you so upset." Danny stopped fighting against his brother then, and looked up at Adam with huge pained eyes, but still he remained silent.

"I'm always trying to figure out what he would do, you know? I wish I was as smart as him, as good at taking care of people as he was. I'm thinking that right now, he would pick you up and hold you tight - even though you are getting big for that. That wouldn't bother him though, he'd be so worried he'd do it even if you were big as me. But he's not here right now. So would be okay, if I did that?"

Danny's chin quivered and the nod he gave Adam was such a small movement it was nearly imperceptible.

"Oh, good." Adam said huskily, and lifted his brother up and into his arms. Danny clung tightly to him then, and his whole body shook with tears. Adam sat down in the chair with Danny on his lap. Brian sat on the bed across from them, his work-rough hand rubbing circles on their brothers back.

"Shhh. It's okay, little man. Whatever it is, we can figure it out. It's okay." Adam said gently, glad that he had somehow managed to keep his temper in check for once.

"I'm sorry, Adam. I've been so mean. I gotta tell Ford sorry. There was no reason for me to knock his tower over. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for yelling at you Brian. I am." He turned to look at Brian.

"That's okay, partner. That's okay." He wiped tears out of his eyes. "Can you tell us why you are so angry? Do you know? Or was it just one of those days?"

"It was that stupid, stupid, stupid reading book! Why do we got to read it! I hate it! I hate it! It just keeps getting worse and worse! I don't want to listen to it, or read it or write about it! I get so . . .and if I start . . . I don't want everyone staring at me!"

"Easy now, slow down." Adam said. "What book?"

"It's this dumb book, we've been reading for a week now! It's all about this boy, and his Dad. They are on a trip together, but then the plane they're in crashes, and they have to try and get home together. I HATE that stupid book! And today we read . . . we read . . ." He buried his face back against Adam's shoulder sobbing again.

"Danny?" Brian asked.

"I can't . . . I can't say . . ." Danny said.

"Oh, God." Adam said wearily. "Danny, does the dad die?"

Danny said nothing but nodded his head clinging tightly to his older brother.

"I know it's just a stupid book, but please, please don't make me read anymore! Please, Adam!"

"Goddamn, stupid . . ." Brian stood up angrily sputtering.

"Brian!" Adam said sharply.

"You don't agree?"

"I do, but c'mon. Language, okay?" Adam said. He looked down at Danny. "You read it right before art class?"

"Yeah, and I was so mad. I wanted to hit everybody, but I knew I couldn't. I remember what Dr. Richards said. I did. I know I should've gone to see the counselor or asked my teacher for a pass, but I was so mad. I haven't been that mad in such a long, long time. I couldn't . . . I had to get away, so I left." He turned to Brian. "And I am so sorry Brian. I am. I know I should've just told you, but I couldn't. It's too hard to say."

He rested his brown head against Adam's shoulder suddenly exhausted.

"I'm sorry I hit you, Adam." He looked up with tear-filled eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it, Danny. It's okay." Adam kissed his brother on his forehead and was surprised when Danny wrapped his arms around Adam, clinging tightly to him again. Adam said nothing, unable to speak. He simply continued to hold his little brother in his arms. After a time he began to hum softly, an old lullaby from his boyhood; a song his mother had once sung. Danny slumped against him, and Adam realized that he had fallen asleep. He and Brian worked together in silence and gently tucked him into bed.

They stood together in the hallway too shaken to even speak for a few minutes until at last Brian said, "I'll send Crane up to sit with him."

"Yeah. That's a good idea." Adam agreed. "I can't believe Mr. Jacobs could be so stupid! He didn't even call us to warn us? I mean, how dumb can you be?"

"He's been a jackass from the get-go, Adam. And it's not just me saying that because I'm not a big fan of school. They've had really great teachers up until this jerk. I mean he's the idiot who told us he had heard our story but didn't expect to treat Danny any different because it all happened two years ago and he should be 'over it by now'." Brian shook his head. "I swear to God, I'm going over there right now and kick his ass! Can you imagine? Making him read that damn story?"

"Don't Bri. You'll just get us into a bigger mess." He rubbed his face with his hand. "I swear! I've never wanted to beat someone up so badly in my whole damn life! I'm going in first thing in the morning and talking to the principal. He's not going back into that classroom until this thing is settled!"

"_We're_ going in first thing in the morning." Brian corrected. He glanced over at Adam, and seeing the anger and pain in his older brother's eyes, he sighed and reached out squeezing Adam's arm.

"You did really good, Junior. You stayed so calm! You are getting pretty good at this." He gave a weak grin.

"Just got lucky today." He sighed. "Don't call me, Junior, Brian." He said, but mostly out of habit. "Listen, today's been fairly shitty, what do you say we break our two beers only rule for tonight, huh?"

"Hell, with beer. I saw we break out the whisky." Brian said as the two brothers headed down the hall.

"Damn straight." Adam agreed. "You go get it, while I tuck Ford and Evan into bed, alright man?"

"You can count on me, brother." Brian grinned at Adam who smiled back.

"And thank God for that!" Adam said meaning it down to his very soul.


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: I should mention I am a teacher and have been a vice-principal. The world is filled with excellent teachers who show tremendous compassion and thoughtful consideration of their students. That being said, I've also worked with some real jerks, who have treated their students with cruelty and their job with an overall attitude of laziness. I needed a "bad guy" in this chapter, so I've modeled Danny's teacher after people that I have had the grave misfortune of working with. I have absolute respect for all hard-working dedicated teachers. :)_

***7***

Adam leaned against the doorway, and saw Crane bent over his books at his desk surrounded by a pool of light. Danny sighed quietly in his sleep.

"It's getting kind of late, Crane." Adam said as Crane turned around to look at him.

"I'm almost finished. Brian told me what happened." Crane looked up at Adam. "You gonna talk to him?"

"We are going in tomorrow and meeting with the principal. I'm gonna let Danny stay home. I don't want him going back until we resolve it." He glanced at Crane. "I never had Jacobs. Did you?"

"Yeah, don't you remember? He's the one who handed out all those stupid worksheets. He never even lectured. You'd walk in. He'd hand you a worksheet and then he'd sit at his desk. Ninety-six worksheets. I counted them all. It was such a waste of time."

"That's right! I forgot about that! Dad went in and complained and then you asked if you could test out of the class."

"Yep. I took the mid-term and the final and aced them both, but then he made me do all ninety-six worksheets anyway. It took me two weeks." Crane said with a shake of his head. "I don't want Danny going back to his class, Adam."

"I know. Neither do I." Adam said with a glance at their younger brother. He sighed and rotated his head, stretching the tight muscles of his neck. "But we got to give the school a chance to fix things, okay?"

"I guess." Crane said with a sigh. "But . . ."

"I know. Brian's not the only one with a temper, Crane. If need be, I will make sure he gets switched out, okay?"

"Yeah." Crane said turning back to his homework.

"Lights out in thirty." Adam said pausing just long enough to plant a kiss on Danny's forehead before turning to leave the room.

"Yes, _Dad_." Crane said mischievously.

"Don't call me Dad." Adam said as he disappeared down the stairs.

***7***

"Bottoms up." Brian said lifting his glass again.

"Nah, one's good for me." Adam said sighing.

"Lightweight." Brian said downing his second shot of whiskey. He reached for the bottle but Adam was faster, and he tightened the lid, and standing put it back on the top shelf where they kept it tucked away.

"Listen, _Mom_ . . ." Brian began.

"Shut up, Bri." Adam said. "Did you make sure that fix on that gate held? I didn't get a chance. I don't want those ewes getting loose again."

"No. I'll go check." Brian said irritated and went out the back door.

Adam glanced around the kitchen which was sort of clean. He generally tried to overlook the piles that seemed to accumulate everywhere. In the first days, after their parents' deaths, women from town came and cooked and cleaned every other day. Over time, though, as they got their feet back under them, they were left to their own devices. It turned out that none of them were that great at keeping the house organized. He threw yet another load of dirty jeans into the washer, and taking a basket to the front room started folding the ones he'd pulled out of the dryer.

_If only . . ._

It was only at night that he had time enough to brood and reflect on all that was lost. It was only at night that he felt alone and depressed. During the day, he had no time for anything except the ranch and his brothers. He never went out. He never dated anymore. He never even went into to town unless it was ranch business, picking the boys up from school or church. Most of the time, he was fine, but at night with a pile of work behind him, and a new pile looming for the next day, he felt depressed and longed for someone else to bear the burden of being responsible for six boys and a cattle ranch.

He glanced up and saw the last family photo they'd taken hanging on the wall. Everyone was smiling which his mother had declared a miracle; even little Guthrie grinned at the camera. Looking at it now, though, pained him. It felt like everyone was glaring down at him. He rose and stood inches from it, staring into his father's eyes.

He felt a sudden wave of anger wash over him. He fought the urge to pull the photo down off the wall, and smash it to bits. He reached out and held the sides of the frame in his hands, gripping so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

"Hey." Brian said stepping into the room.

Adam dropped his hands embarrassed. He stepped away and went back to the laundry.

"You okay man?" Brian asked.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" Adam's tone was sarcastic.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe sick and tired of how things have played out?" Brian kept his voice even.

"Nah. I got six people depending on me, a ranch to run, and a never-ending pile of laundry. What more could I want?"

"A girl or three?" Brian grinned.

"Like I got time for that!" Adam said shaking his head.

"Hey, Adam . . ." Brian began. "You are right between Crane falling apart, and Danny being tormented by his teacher, today was pretty crappy all around. You are doing really well. Look at how you managed Danny? You didn't yell or scream, like I did. He fell asleep in your arms; safe. Don't . . ."

"I don't know if I can . . .You're right. It was just a bad day. Don't pay any attention to me." Sighing he lifted the basket and headed upstairs to put the laundry away, making sure his eyes never once rested on the family portrait; some memories were just too painful. Brian thoughtfully watched him leaving, trying to ignore a gnawing sense of worry.

***7***

Adam and Brian sat across from Mr. Fitzgerald and waited for his reaction. Glancing at Brian, Adam could tell he was already just on the edge of fury. He shot him a look, hoping it would be enough to keep his fiery brother's temper in check.

"I first of all want to apologize for what happened to Daniel yesterday. I had no idea that any of this had transpired. I know that both you and I have worked hard to make sure that Danny feels comfortable and safe here at school, and I hope that we can come to a quick resolution so that we don't lose any ground that we gained." Mr. Fitzgerald said seriously.

"_Good,"_ Thought Adam. _"Maybe Brian will calm down. He's clearly taking this pretty seriously."_

"We appreciate that. I understand that this school would never sanction, a student being caused anguish. I am hoping that it is just a misunderstanding, and that for whatever reason, Mr. Jacobs didn't think it all the way through." Adam said.

"I agree." Mr. Fitzgerald said. "It is no excuse, however, but people do make mistakes. I am confident that once I point out to him the painful result of this particular choice of a novel, he will certainly understand the reason for Danny's leaving class. I will mark the absence excused of course, for both yesterday and today. I will call you this afternoon, after I speak with Mr. Jacobs."

"I would appreciate that." Adam said.

"Would you be able to come back and meet with him late this afternoon, if need be?"

"Yes, of course." Adam said rising. "I really appreciate that you took this so seriously. We were afraid that the school would feel we were overreacting. I don't expect the school to alter the curriculum for every single McFadden that comes along, but Danny is . . ."

"Daniel is delicate. His wounds are still raw, and his teachers understand that. _I_ understand that, and I promise you that by the end of today, Mr. Jacobs will understand that too. Thank you for your patience." He shook Adam's hand and turned to Brian. "I suppose I ought to thank you for keeping your temper in check, Brian." He smiled at Brian who grinned sheepishly.

"Well, it wasn't easy." Brian said. "Thanks, Mr. Fitzgerald. We know you care about the boys. It's just hard sometimes. They've all been wounded enough. We want to protect them from further harm."

"The whole town does." Fitzgerald agreed. "I played football with your Dad. He was a good man. You would know better than me, but I imagine, he'd be really proud of the two of you."

Adam ducked his head embarrassed. He usually hated when people would tell him how they thought his parents felt or would feel about things, but Mr. Fitzgerald knew their father. He was a reasonable man, who clearly took his job of caring for his students seriously. He was struck with a sudden memory.

"I remember when you got promoted. Mom read it in the paper and told Dad about it, and he said he thought you'd be really good at it. He told her, you were a steady and compassionate person." Adam said.

"I . . .well . . .thanks." Mr. Fitzgerald said surprised by Adam's praise. "You're Dad was someone I looked up to. I still do."

"Us too." Brian said and shaking Fitzgerald's hand one more time, they stepped out of the office and into the bright morning sunlight.

"Satisfied?" Adam asked turning to his brother.

"We'll see what Jacobs has to say." Brian said skeptically. "I'm telling you Adam. Fitzgerald is a good man, but Jacobs, he's a prick."

"I'm not arguing with you." Adam said glancing around Main Street. "Come on, lets go by the cafe. Maybe there's a waitress there whose heart you haven't broken yet."

"I doubt it." Brian said.

They strode into the cafe together. It was empty. All the early morning patrons were long gone, and it was too early for the lunch crowd yet.

"Hello boys!" Marie said. "I was just starting to get lonesome. Don't look so nervous, Brian. Sheree isn't working this morning."

"She still mad?" He asked tentatively.

"Oh, yeah." Marie said leading them over to a table. "What can I do for you?"

"Is it too early for pie?" Brian asked.

"Never." Marie said. "Apple?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"What about you?" She turned to Adam.

"Just coffee, I guess. Hey, Marie thanks for feeding Crane up yesterday."

Marie just turned with a wave of her hand, and returned with a giant slice of pie for Brian and another for Adam.

"Eat up fellas. I need to make room for some new pies coming out of the oven, so you're doing me a favor." She winked at Adam. "You tell Crane to stop in anytime he's hungry."

"Careful Marie, he's hungry every minute of every day." Brian said laughing. "You might have him parked out here permanently."

"There are worse things that could happen. 'Sides, my waitresses never run from the room crying when _he_ comes around." She gave Brian a wry smile and disappeared to the back.

"Nice going there, Brian." Adam said taking a bite of pie.

"Ah, well. I've run out of girls here anyway. She needs a new waitress; a beautiful stranger. She should be French and looking for a handsome cowboy."

"What girl would be crazy enough to move to this tiny town?" Adam said with a laugh. "Nice dream - you step into the cafe and see a beautiful new girl - a stranger to the town, and she turns to you and it is true love - forever!"

"Who said anything about true love?" Brian's eyebrows raised mischievously.


	5. Chapter 5

Brian found keeping his rage inside nearly impossible. He had two choices before him. He could rip Jacobs head right off his body, or stare out the window and focus on anything other than the sound of the Jacobs' voice.

"I understand that your family has experienced difficulty, but Danny doesn't need people babying him." Jacobs was saying.

"You think his reading a story where the main character loses his father is appropriate?" Adam's voice was cold, and Brian could see the hard set of his jaw.

"I don't think it is_ in_appropriate." Jacobs said.

"Really?" Adam glanced at Brian. "Well, he ran off campus and fell asleep sobbing last night or maybe that was all part of your toughening him up plan?" Adam said bitterly. "But I guess he's just being a baby?"

"Mr. Jacobs and I just want what is best for Daniel." Mr. Fitzgerald stepped in. "Don't we?" And Brian looked up surprised because Fitzgerald was glaring down at Jacobs, not Adam.

"I'm not changing my curriculum because of one boy." Jacobs voice was set. "I've taught that book for fifteen years."

"I know, Mike." Fitzgerald said. "We've been over this already. I want you to listen to Mr. McFadden. They are concerned about their brother."

"I listened and I disagree." He folded his arms petulantly.

Fitzgerald studying him for a long beat and then swept his hand over his balding head. He was silent for several moments. Brian almost smiled. He had spent nearly nineteen years wrestling to control his own temper, so had no trouble recognizing when someone else did it.

Finally, Fitzgerald spoke in a voice thick with irritation.

"Listen, Mike. I've got that new kid coming in to stay with the Crandalls - their second cousin or something. They think he would respond better to a male teacher, and I know you're class is already full, so I was thinking we could move Danny to Mrs. Simmon's class and you could take the new student, instead." He glanced at Adam and Brian. "If that's alright with his brothers."

"We would prefer it." Adam said sharply.

"This whole town treats those boys like . . . " Jacobs began.

"You would be doing me a big favor." Fitzgerald cut him off. "You know Jane struggles with defiant boys but you always seem to manage them with ease."

"I could do that I guess." Jacobs said stubbornly. "But I hope you aren't expecting an apology."

Brian stood up so quickly that his chair toppled over, clattering to the ground. They all turned to him.

"I'll meet you outside, Adam." He said and stormed out of the room. He stood beside the truck trying to choke down his anger. His desire to drive his fists into Jacobs so strong that he nearly doubled back into the oppressive school room.

It was nearly twenty minutes later that Adam finally strode out of the school, cursing under his breath as he met Brian at the truck.

"Well?" Brian asked.

"He's in Mrs. Simmon's class. I can't believe you didn't hit him!"

"You can't believe it? I can't believe it either. I still want to. Damn it! He's been sitting in that creep's classroom for over two months! If I had known what a colossal jerk he was, I would've had him moved the first day!" Brian said.

"Yeah." Adam agreed pushing his hat down over his eyes. "God, what a complete jackass."

"I almost feel sorry for Fitzgerald." Brian said.

"He's stuck. Jacobs has tenure. He can't fire him; only the school board can do that. So he's stuck. At least we are free of him." Adam sighed. " I just hope we can make Danny understand. I don't want him thinking he did something bad."

"Yeah. Well, another all around crappy day." Brian said with a sigh. "I don't imagine things could get worse." He turned and climbed into the truck.

"Why would you even say that? Brian! Whatever happens next is on your head!" Adam said climbing in beside him.

***7***

Adam set a bowl of ice cream in front of Evan. He was feeling indulgent with his younger brothers and had loaded all of them up with ice cream. They accepted his unexpected generosity happily.

"Thanks, Adam!" Evan said, nudging Ford in the ribs. "Look at all that ice cream!"

Ford smiled good-naturedly, and attacked his own bowl of ice cream.

"What are you thinking Danny?" Brian asked.

"That this ice cream is pretty good." Danny replied.

"No, about the change." Brian explained.

"I'm glad. I don't like Mr. Jacobs. But is he gonna be mad at me?" He looked up at Brian with big eyes.

"You haven't done anything wrong." Adam said as he sat down to wipe ice cream off of Guthrie's face. "In fact, you did a good job of not hurting anyone. A year ago you probably would've punched somebody."

"I would've punched Mr. Jacobs." Danny confessed. "I wanted to."

"You and me both, little brother!" Brian said but Adam shook his head.

"Well, at least we got it settled." Adam said. "Listen, you don't even have to see him. Mr. Fitzgerald and I got all your stuff already. But you don't have to hide from him Danny. You haven't done anything wrong."

"You'll like Mrs. Simmons." Crane told him. "She's really nice."

"Billy's in her class. She's pretty." Danny said and put a huge spoon filled with ice cream into his mouth.

"Since when do you not like ice cream?" Brian asked Ford who had pushed his half-eaten bowl aside.

"I'm just full." Ford said quietly. "Thank you, though."

"Stomach ache?" Adam asked. "You probably just ate too much."

"Probably." Ford said agreeably.

***7***

Brian sat down on the couch exhausted.

"I'm beat!" He turned to look over at Adam who was studying the account books.

"You know, Crane does this better than me. We should just put him in charge of it." Adam said looking up at Brian.

"That kid is smarter than all of us put together!" Brian agreed. He looked up and saw movement on the stairs.

"Hey!" He said too weary to get up. "What are you doing out of bed mister? It's late."

Adam looked up to see Ford standing in the hallway.

"My tummy hurts." Ford said softly.

"Still?" Adam asked with a glance at Brian. "If he's got the flu - it's because of you."

"Me?" Brian looked at Adam. "All I said was . . ."

"Yeah, and what happens every time one of us says that?" But before Brian could respond, they were startled by the a loud thump as their little brother fell to the ground and by the time they'd rushed up the stairs to him, he was completely unconscious.


	6. Chapter 6

Brian immediately lifted Ford up into his arms. Ford's head flopped against his chest and even through his jean jacket and shirts, Brian could feel how warm Ford's body was.

"He's burning up." He said to Adam who had already sprinted down the hall to where Crane stood in the doorway.

"What was that?" Crane asked at the exact moment that Brian spoke.

"Ford is sick. We're gonna run him into County. Stay here." Adam said already turning. "We'll call you." He said over his shoulder.

Brian was already climbing into the truck with Ford while Adam, not even stopping for his coat raced to the driver's side. He fumbled for the keys with one eye on Ford who moaned as though in great pain. Finding the keys, Adam revved the engine and pushing the pedal to the floor roared out of the driveway.

"Daddy?" Ford moaned. "Mama?"

"Shh." Brian said. "It's okay little partner. Everything is gonna be okay."

"I want Mama." Ford moaned. "Adam? Adam?"

"I'm right here." Adam gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white. "It's okay buddy. I'm right here."

"Shhh." Brian said soothingly. He glanced up and saw trees flying past. "Adam!"

Adam glanced up and away from his brother and jerked the steering wheel to the right.

"Your side of the road." Brian said stiffly.

"Yeah." Adam said. "Yeah."

"Mama." Ford moaned.

"_Mama?" Adam stood tentatively outside his parent's room._

"_In here." She said and he stepped inside. She was standing before the closet, a shirt in one hand._

"_Mama are you sick?" Adam leaned his eleven year old frame against the doorway._

"_What?" She turned to him a look of concern on her face. "Why would you ask that?_

"_Daddy said to be nice because you were tired. Are you sick?"_

"_No. Honey. But," She sighed and sat down on the side of the bed. "It looks like there's gonna be another cowboy running around here." She studied his face seeing his confusion. "I'm having a baby, Junior."_

"_Oh." He said unconcerned. "Again?"_

"_Yes." She laughed. "Again."_

"_Okay." He said. "Mama, can we have pancakes for dinner? Banana pancakes?"_

"_Sure. Will you help?" She reached up and brushed his hair off his forehead._

"_Yeah, Mama."_

"_Yes, Junior. An educated man doesn't use slang."_

"_Yes, ma'am." He said with a grin. "But Mama, I'm just a cowboy."_

_Rising and wrapping an arm around his shoulder, she laughed and said, "You, young man, are a gentleman cowboy - at least I aim to make you one. Come on. You can stir the batter, alright?"_

_He didn't answer but leaned into her, glad that none of his brothers or friends were around. He loved his mother, and although was embarrassed by her hugs and kisses in front of others, he never minded them when they were alone. She always smelled like lavender and in her arms he always felt completely safe._

"_I'm happy about the baby." He told her as they went down the stairs together._

"_Me too." She said._

"_Maybe it will be a girl this time." He said for her sake. It was what his father always said to her._

"_Oh, Junior. I love all my cowboys." She smiled at him. "We need to work on names that start with the letter F."_

"_Filbert?" He asked her._

"_That starts with a ph." _

"_Frances?" He wrinkled his nose._

"_No, thank you." _

_They stepped into the kitchen where Crane sat at the kitchen table coloring a picture. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out the milk and a bowl of eggs._

"_How about Ford?"_

"_Hmmm. . . " She said thoughtfully measuring out the milk. "Ford. Ford Michael? I kind of like that."_

"_Ford Danger." He said with a grin. "Ford Danger McFadden."_

"_I don't thinks so."_

"_Then he could tell people, 'My middle name is Danger.'" _

"_Get over here and stir this." She said shaking her head at him and laughing._

He skidded to a stop at the front entrance of the emergency room and not even bothering to turn the engine off, hopped out and ran around to the passenger side. He opened the door, lifting Ford from his brother's arms, while Brian reached over and turned off the engine.

His feet slid across the tile floor as he burst in the doors. "Can we . . ." He began. "My brother is sick!"

"What happened?" A nurse asked as two others laid him on a gurney. She examined him as spoke.

"He was complaining of a stomach ache. And then he just passed out."

"Temperature?"

"I don't know."

"Nausea?"

"I don't know." Adam looked down, guilty.

"That's okay. We'll take care of him. Where are your parents?" She looked at the two of them, and Brian turned away.

"They . . . we're . . . I am his guardian." Adam explained.

"Alright. We'll have some forms for you." She said and disappeared with the other nurses and doctors. Another nurse came to him, and handed him a clipboard.

"We need you to fill these out." He accepted them numbly, his eyes searching for Brian. He saw him in the distance, just outside the doors of the emergency room.

He set the clipboard down, and walked out to him.

"Bri?" He asked.

"They know something?" Brian turned and Adam could see the panic on his face.

"No. I just . . . are you alright?"

"I don't like being in there." He said. "And them asking . . . I don't like it in there." He met Adam's eyes, and Adam reached out with his hand wrapping it around his younger brother's neck, squeezing gently.

"Yeah, man." He sighed. "Yeah."

"Yes." Brian corrected with tears shimmering in his eyes. "Don't say 'yeah'. You sound like a hick."

"I am a hick." He sighed. "I'm gonna go inside. I got to fill out these forms. Can you call Crane. We left kind of . . ." He paused. "He must be pretty scared. Call him, Bri."

"Okay." He said. "Adam, I'm sorry. He complained early, but I thought . . ."

"Hey, everything is going to be alright." Adam said.

"That's not always true, Adam. You _know_ that." Brian said turning from him to find the pay phone.

Sighing Adam went back into the grey, cold waiting room fighting down all previous memories of waiting here. He picked up the forms and sitting in the chair wrote in careful, neat writing: Ford Michael McFadden. He wrote nothing else, setting the pen aside. He leaned his head against the back of his chair closing his eyes, trying to remember every feature of his mother's smiling face.

***7***

"Adam?"

"Adam?"

He turned his head opening his eyes and was surprised to see Marie and her husband Ed. She moved and sat in the empty chair beside him.

"They didn't . . . Ford isn't?" He sat up panicked.

"Oh, no. No. They haven't come out yet." She said.

He collapsed back in the chair and ran a hand through his hair, trying to hide the tears that formed in the corner of his eyes.

"Mike and Marlene are out at your place, so you don't need to worry about the boys. Ed's niece works over in pediatrics and saw Crane's name so she called us." She reached out for his hand. "We thought we would wait with you, if that's alright?"

"Yes." He said. "Yes, I would appreciate it."

"Good." She smiled at him, squeezing his fingers.

"What time is it?" He asked suddenly.

"10:15." Ed told him.

"It's been nearly forty minutes. How come they haven't said anything?" He chewed anxiously at the corner of his lip.

"They will." She said reassuringly. "Where's Brian?"

"Outside probably. He doesn't . . ." He sighed trying to determine a way to express how difficult it was to step in the doors of County General. "It is hard to come here."

"Yes." She said. "Yes, it must be. Go find him, Ed." She said to her husband who nodded and disappeared.

"The parents of Ford McFadden?" A doctor stepped into the room.

"Me." Adam said standing quickly and nearly running to him. "I'm his brother."

"Are your parents . . ."

"Tell us about Ford." Marie said knowing the doctor would assume she was their mother.

"Yes ma'am. It is his appendix. It may have burst. And I am going to be truthful with you, it is pretty serious. He must have been experiencing pain for some time. We are prepping him for surgery right now."

"He never complains." Adam said softly. "He is almost never sick. And he never complains." He shook his head fighting his emotions. "He doesn't like to make trouble for anyone." He drew in a deep breath. "Can we see him?" Adam asked.

"I don't . . ." The doctor began.

"Just for a minute? Please?" Marie asked.

"Alright. This way ma'am." He turned to go.

"No, let his brother go." She gave Adam a push. "I'll tell Brian, or do you want me to wait?"

"No, wait for me, please." He said thankful that she was there. Thankful that at least this once, for just this second, he hadn't had to say that his parents were dead.

***7***

He looked tiny.

His legs didn't even reach to the middle of the bed. His fair skin was pale, and Adam wished he would open his bright, blue eyes and smile at him.

"Hey, there buddy. These doctors are going to take really good care of you. You just hang in there, okay. I love you, Ford. You will be okay. You just hang in there, buddy. I love you, little man."

He glanced over at the nurse who stood beside Ford's bed.

"Can I give him a kiss?" He asked her.

"Yes." She said turning away and making adjustments.

He leaned over and kissed his little brother's soft, smooth cheek. "I love you, Ford. I'll see you really soon."

"Okay." The nurse said. "They are ready for him now."

He watched as they wheeled his brother down the hall away for him, and prayed down to the depths of his soul that it wouldn't be the last time. Unbidden, the memory of his mother's body laid out on a gurney flashed before his eyes, and he staggered backwards under the weight.

"Adam?" He looked up to see Ben Gunn standing in front of him.

"Mr. Gunn?" Adam was shocked.

"Marie said you were back here. You okay, son?"

"They are taking him into surgery now. It was his appendix." His voice was shaking.

"Yeah, I heard. Come on." He walked beside Adam down the hall to where Brian was waiting.


	7. Chapter 7

"Brian?"

Brian turned his head at the sound of his name, and saw Adam walking out the doors of the emergency room toward him with Ben Gunn at his side. He glanced at Marie who stood to his left and forced himself to face his brother hoping that it wouldn't be the same message Adam had to deliver the last time the two of them had stood together in the emergency room.

"What?" He asked not even recognizing his own terrified voice.

"It's his appendix. They took him into surgery. We have to wait." Adam said keeping his voice calm. "He must have been hurting for . . .he never complains." He sighed and dropped his head too ashamed to meet his brother's eyes.

"He's a good boy." Brian said agreeing. He reached out and put a hand on Adam's shoulder. "He'll be okay. He's a tough little guy. Remember when that goat kicked him right in the gut?"

"Yes," Adam said looking up and wiping tears from his face. "He just kept right on moving. Didn't even slow him down."

"He's tough." Brian repeated. "He'll do fine."

"Why don't you boys have a seat?" Marie asked gently. "Adam you've got to be freezing out here. You don't even have a coat on."

"I can't . . ." Brian hesitated. "I can't wait in there."

"Excuse me." A nurse approached them. "You are the McFaddens? Ford's family?"

"He's . . ."

"Oh, they just took him into surgery. He's fine." She said seeing Adam's panicked expression. "We thought you might be more comfortable in the surgical waiting area. We set up a private room for your family. You don't need to wait down here." She studied Adam with compassionate eyes.

His eyes widened in surprise. "I . . . I . . .met you . . . before."

"Yes." She said softly. "This is different though. Come with me. I'll show you where you can wait. We can go around and in through the front. There's no reason to go back that way."

Adam nodded and they followed her in through the front entrance of the hospital and up to the second floor to a small waiting room. She paused just outside the door, hesitant.

"You boys need anything or have any questions, ask for me, Marla Parker. I'm downstairs in emergency. My shift ends at 6 a.m., but they can find me even after that." She smiled kindly at Adam, and he nodded unable to voice his thanks.

"_There's no one to call?" The nurse sat beside him. "Grandparents?"_

_Adam shook his head numbly. "We've an aunt but she's in her 80s and in a rest home. She doesn't know us."_

"_The sheriff went to get your brothers, in case they want to . . .in case they want to say good-bye." She put a gentle hand on his arm. _

"_We are all alone now."_

"_No." She said softly looking at him with kind, compassionate eyes. "You aren't. Can I . . ." She swallowed hard. "I'd like to sit with you until your brothers get here. Would that be okay?"_

"_Yes ma'am." He said softly. He glanced at her. "I'm Jun . . ." He caught himself. "My name is Adam."_

"_I'm Marla." Her smile was laced with sorrow. Adam sat stiffly trying to determine the best way to tell his brothers that they were all alone now._

"_They didn't feel pain, did they?" He asked her suddenly. "They said Mama . . .that it was right away. She didn't suffer, did she?"_

"_No." The nurse reached over and held onto his hand. "And your Dad, he didn't regain consciousness. They didn't suffer."_

"_That's the truth, right? You wouldn't tell me a lie to make me . . . please, don't lie to me."_

"_It's the truth, Adam. You can ask the doctor if you would like." She sighed. "I'm so sorry. I am sorry we couldn't save them."_

Adam swallowed the lump in his throat, watching her walk away from them. He drew in a deep breath and then calling out said, "Nurse Parker! Wait."

She paused and turned back to him with eyebrows raised. He caught up to her in quick strides.

"Thanks ma'am. Thanks for taking us up here, and," He hesitated. "For sitting with me. It would've been so hard to wait alone."

"Your brother will be fine." She said and reaching out patted his hand gently. "You boys, you haven't ever been left alone, have you?" She nodded her head at the small crowd huddled just outside the surgical waiting room, watching them.

"No." He said to her. "You were right about that."

"I'm right about this too." She said and nodding one last time, she left him.

"Adam?" Brian asked as he walked back to meet them.

"We met once before." Adam explained meeting Brian's worried look. "I never got the chance to say thank you."

***7***

Crane McFadden stretched his shoulders and back. He had been crammed in the uncomfortable chair for hours and hours. He turned to Brian with eyebrows raised in question, but Brian shook his head, and turned away from him.

Crane had been relieved when Mike and Marlene had arrived at the Circle Bar Seven. Marlene had been his mother's best friend, and he had willing fallen into her arms.

"Crane honey, don't they ever feed you?" She had said hugging him tightly. "The little guys asleep?"

He stepped back wiping tears from his eyes embarrassed. "Yeah. They don't know anything."

"No news yet?" Mike asked.

"No." Crane sighed. "Brian called but the doctors were still with him."

"Mike?" Marlene said looking up at him.

"Alright." He said sighing. "But come back soon, honey. I'm not as good at . . ."

"Get your coat Crane." Marlene said. "I'll drive you to the hospital. Mike's gonna stay with the boys. Guthrie still waking up?"

"Yeah, but he doesn't ask for her anymore. He just cries." He looked over at Mike. "If you rock him, he'll stop."

"You come back before 2 a.m., Marlene." Mike said to his wife.

"Okay." She said softly and Crane was shocked to see a tear shine in Mike's eye as Marlene reached up with a gentle hand and rubbed the side of her husband's face. "Go get your coat, Crane." She repeated in a voice thick with tears.

Crane slid his arms into his coat, lost in thought, shocked. He followed Marlene down the steps and into their truck. She lifted a hand waving to Mike, before she threw the truck into drive and headed down the dark road toward the hospital. Crane glanced at her trying to process everything.

"Marlene . . ." He began.

"It's hard for Mike." She interrupted. "He misses your Dad, Crane. They were like brothers. You know how it is to have a brother at your side."

Crane nodded silently.

"I keep expecting it to get better with time." She sighed looking out the window. "It doesn't though, does it?"

"No." He said softly.

"You just get used to living with the hurt." She said.

"You say to yourself, 'I can manage it. I can endure this pain.'" Crane explained.

She nodded at him, put one hand on top of his. "This pain isn't yours alone, Crane. We share it."

He nodded his head at her. "Nights like this, make it worse."

"Ford will be okay, Crane. It just feels scary right now." She glanced at him. "It is scary right now."

"Yes ma'am." He moved over and rested his cheek against her shoulder.

***7***

"Marlene!" Adam said embracing her as they stepped into the small waiting area that had been set up for them. Crane glanced around and saw his two brothers, but also Marie and Ed, Mr. Gunn, Mr. Fitzgerald, Mrs. Crossley who always stood next to his mother in choir, and Mrs. Thompkins, his English teacher.

"Crane." Brian said rising and putting an arm around his shoulders. "The little guys okay?"

"Mike stayed with them. Marlene's gonna go back."

"I had to check on you two." Marlene said pulling Brian into a hug and kissing his cheek. "You holding up alright?"

"It was his appendix. He's still in surgery." Brian said and Crane was surprised by how small his voice was; how young he sounded.

"It takes time. Mike had his appendix out fifteen years ago. It took five hours." She squeezed Brian's arm.

Crane sat down in a chair next to Mr. Gunn who reached out and patted him on the arm.

They settled in to waiting. Minutes felt like days and Crane watched as Brian shifted uncomfortably from one position to another in the chair across from him. Marlene left around 1:30.

"You boys walk me out to the truck." She told them and the three of them had obediently followed. They stood before her in a small semi-circle. She hugged them each.

"Don't you worry about the little guys. I can stay as long as you need." She reached out and patted the side of Adam's face. "I'll look after the babies. You help Ford fight this coyote." Adam grinned. "I better get going. I want to be there when Guthrie wakes up." She sighed leaning on the open door of the truck. "Sometimes I think we were wrong to move away. It was too soon."

"You've got a right to your own life." Adam told her. "You helped us. You got me on my feet."

"Junior," She smiled at him. "You always kept your feet under you. I am sorry as can be they got taken from you like they did, but there's no other boy on this earth who could've managed what you've done. You and Brian." She shook her head. "Damn nights like these." She wiped at her eyes. "They must be so proud of you. Don't let the past make terror get a tight hold on you, Junior. You listening, Brian?" He nodded his head at her.

"Alright, then. Call me when he's out of surgery. You boys go inside where it's warm." She climbed into the pickup and was gone.

***7***

The doctor stepped into the room, and everyone turned to look at him. He appeared a little taken aback at the small crowd gathered there.

"Adam McFadden?" He asked.

"Right here." Adam said rising and standing before the doctor, flanked by Crane and Brian on either side.

"He's out of surgery and stable. His appendix did burst, and we had to put in a drain because of some abscesses." They stood blinking at him, uncomprehendingly.

"When the appendix burst, it filled his body with poison." He explained. "We have to get that poison out, so we put a little tube inside that empties the poison out. When he's better, we'll go back and take the tubes out."

"He's okay?" Adam asked quietly.

"He's still a very sick little boy." The doctor said. "It would have been better if we had caught it before it burst. He could easily develop an infection that could lead to sepsis. We want to avoid that. It could be . . . well, we want to avoid it. We are going to monitor him really closely."

"I wanna see him." Brian's voice was harsh.

"Not just yet. He's still in recovery. The nurse will let you know. But only two at a time." The doctor shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "You think of any more questions, have the nurse page me." He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "I don't know how he . . .he must have a really high tolerance for pain. I've seen grown men fall to the ground weeping over this. He didn't complain of his stomach hurting?"

"Just after dinner. He said his tummy hurt." Crane said. "But then he was playing."

"I'll tell them to come and get you when he's ready."

***7***

Adam had been dozing in the chair next to Ford. Most everyone had gone home. Mr. Gunn had driven Crane back out to the ranch around seven that morning, and Brian had gone downstairs to call and make sure the boys had milked the cow. He couldn't bear to leave his little brother's room. He longed only to be there and see Ford open his bright blue eyes. If he could see Ford's eyes, then he would know for sure that he was going to be alright.

He and Brian had spent most of the night with him, dozing off now and again, but now as the bright light of morning filled Ford's hospital room, Adam was finding it increasingly difficult to stay awake. Nurses came and went making adjustments here and there, and even they couldn't keep the unrelenting pull of exhaustion away. He would glance up with sleepy eyes to see what they were doing and then reassured that it was just routine, his eyes would drift shut again.

He had nearly dropped off to sleep completely when one word from the whispered conversation of two nurses, penetrated his weary mind.

_Sepsis!_

He snapped fully awake, and stood as adrenaline flooded his entire body.

"Ford!" He said and one of the nurses turned to him.

"Wait outside." She said sternly.

Two doctors came rushing into the room.

"Out." The nurse repeated, she turned to a nurse near her. "Margaret."

The dark-haired nurse took him firmly by the arm. "They need to be able to focus on your brother. Let's get out of their way." And she led him out of the room. He watched over his shoulder as they all gathered around his little brother's bed until a nurse pulled a curtain around the bed, cutting Adam off from his brother completely.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: I grew up in a small town, and while there are some drawbacks - like everyone knowing everything (or thinking they do) about everyone else - there are some obvious benefits. You don't suffer alone. I loved the idea of the town rallying around the boys - which is sort of the theme of this particular piece, but it also brings up the great 7B7B Mystery - How Is It Possible That Hannah Never Knew. A couple of you have mentioned this to me in PMs - how come Marie never mentioned anything to Hannah._

_Here's my take - _

_One: I think they dated and married pretty quickly. You sort of get the idea that it all happened pretty fast - - which fits Adam's personality. He makes up his mind pretty quickly about things and then there's no budging him. _

_Two: I think their dating was pretty quiet. Adam's brothers had no idea he had a girlfriend - so clearly it was a relationship on the DL._

_Three: I think people must have assumed that Hannah knew about the brothers. They never brought it up. _

_Four: In the pilot, Adam tells her - These are my brothers, I believe I mentioned them, and she says something along the lines of - I believe you said you had a family. He did mention the brothers, but as she points out to him - he never mentioned they lived with him. So if she did know about the brothers, if someone (like Marie) said to her, "Well, you know about his brothers, right?" Hannah would say yes._

_Anyway, that's how I fixed it in my brain, and is how I have these characters heavily involved with the boys when they are young and Hannah still being blindsided later. _

_Of course, you are really clever people, so you probably have an even better explanation than me. _

_You should write a story about it. _

_I promise I'll read it._

_***7***_

"Patty said she would go out the ranch." Ed said. "I think both Adam and Brian would appreciate Marlene being here."

"What about Guthrie?" Marie asked. "He does better with Marlene."

"He's gotten better about that." Caroline Adams said. "Besides, look at them." They all turned their heads to where Adam and Brian sat in the waiting room. "Patty can manage Guthrie. The boys need Marlene here."

"I'm gonna drive Patty out there. Mike and I will manage the stock." Ed said.

"Marie, you got the cooking schedule all worked out?" Caroline asked.

"Yep and getting the little guys to school. I'm not too sure about Danny though. He doesn't handle stress too well." Marie answered.

"Can't really blame him," Ed said with a sigh. "Sometimes I wonder . . ."

"We all do." Caroline looked up. "But what else could we do? They'd never have wanted the boys separated. Family was the _most_ important thing to them."

"Yeah. We've been over this and over this." Ed said rubbing the back of his neck.

"Seems like we gotta revisit it every six months. It is no small thing." Ben said shaking his head. "But they are _our_ children, now. They belong to Murphys. That's what we agreed too."

"We know that, Ben. It's just . . .they deserve so much more." Caroline said.

"They do." Ben agreed. "But none of us drove that rig. We gotta make the best of it; for their sake. I'll go see if I can't get some information from the nurse. Take Patty now, Ed."

"Take Daniel out working with you." Marie said. "Crane, too. Both those boys do better if they are busy."

Ed nodded and with a gentle squeeze of Marie's arm, he left.

***7***

"We are being discussed again." Brian told Adam.

"What?" Adam looked up at his brother an expression of confusion passing over his worried face.

"Town huddle." He said nodding at the crowd of adults.

"Yeah." Adam said after turning to look. "Poor little orphan boys."

"Yep." Brian sighed. "It's been two hours."

"Two hours and eleven minutes." Adam corrected.

"This . . ." Brian paused trying to fight back his unreasonable rage. "God, this sucks. He's so small."

"Shut up, Brian. It won't do any good. . ." Adam spit out angrily."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"No, God forbid, anyone should do that!" Adam shook his head.

"God forbid, anyone should admit they are afraid!" Brian was furious.

"So go ahead - panic. See where that gets you! Why don't you slam your hand into the wall and knock over some furniture." Adam's bitter tone stunned Brian. "We could add the bill for that to all the rest!" He stood and glared at Brian. "Have yourself a complete meltdown. But when your through, we'll still have five little boys clinging to our backs hoping we've got answers! And when you are through, Ford will still be lying in that bed so small and helpless - fighting to stay . . ." His voice broke and he stormed away.

"Hey, Junior. Wait a sec . . ." Brian called after him.

"Nah," Adam called back. "Leave me the hell alone." And he pushed past the small crowd of adults who watched over them.

***7***

Ben Gunn sat beside Brian.

"No word, huh?" He asked gently.

"No." Brian turned his face away. "I should go find Adam."

"No. I think they sent Marlene after him."

"I thought she was watching the boys! Who is . . ."

Ben interrupted, putting a gentle hand on Brian's arm. "They sent Patty, Guthrie's Sunday school teacher. Somebody thought, you boys might need Marlene. Don't know why they'd think that." He nudged Brian's shoulder good-naturedly.

"No idea." Brian said glancing at Ben. "Seems like we handle stress great." He sighed again. "Waiting really bites."

"Yeah." Ben agreed. He settled back in his chair and watched as Brian did the same. "Did your Dad ever tell you about the time, he and I chased an old brown bear across three counties?"

"No," Brian glanced up. "I don't think he ever did."

"You were a little guy, I dunno maybe, four or five, and your Mama didn't want him going out at all, and she was mad when he called to let her know, we were way up past Angels Camp."

"How did you get so far?"

"Well, you sit back and I'll tell you."

***7***

Adam paced along the back wall of the hospital, still raging. He hated feeling helpless. The stress weighed heavy on his young shoulders. Talking like Brian did made it worse. And he hated that he'd blown up at his brother. He counted on Brian. He was the only brother old enough that he could really talk to, and he knew Brian was just as terrified as he was. But Adam didn't have the luxury of falling apart. He had to keep it together; had to keep everything together.

It wasn't fair. Ford was so tiny and sweet. He never complained and always tried to do whatever Brian or Adam asked. He was a good boy. God surely wouldn't rip his brother from him too.

His frustration and rage building he lifted his hand, ready to crush it into the solid wall in front of him.

"You'll break your hand." A voice beside him said startling him. "And you'll still feel the same."

"Marlene," She stepped closer to him. "What about . . ."

"The boys are fine. Patty Minke is with them."

"Brian's inside. There's a room on the second floor they got us in."

"I know." She said gently.

"You should wait up there. Maybe go check on Brian for me. I lost my temper." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair anxiously.

"Brian's fine."

"I'm not real good company just now." He bit at the corner of his lip.

"You think I came out here expecting fun?" She raised her eyebrows at him, and he shook his head.

She reached out and squeezed his arm, gently pulling him over to a bench where they sat side-by-side.

"You look just like him, Junior. I can't believe how much! Every year you get older you look more and more like him." He kept his face hidden from her. "But it is her you are most like. She had such a temper - especially when she was upset! And how she hated when things were out of her control." Marlene sighed, blinking back tears. "How she would have hated all this! You are too young for it, Junior! We should never have moved. Anne said they would keep an eye on you boys, but you are too good at fooling people."

"You got your own family."

"She was family! We were like sisters!" Marlene reached out and squeezed Adams hand. "You are too young."

"I can do it!" He was immediately defensive. People were always trying to split them up; saying he couldn't take care of them. "I am doing it."

"No, that's not what I mean." She met his eyes which blazed with protective fury. "I mean it isn't fair! You are too young to bear it all. Who do you turn to? Liz is long gone."

"She said nineteen was too young for parenting." He raised his eyebrows at her.

"Imagine someone thinking that." She sighed. "I don't know, Junior. Sometimes I wonder if we've done right by you."

"We are doing okay, Marlene. Everyone just needs to . . ."

"I didn't say them, Adam. I said _you._ Sometimes I don't think we've done right by _you_. You deserve a life. You should be in college."

"Things are just pretty bad right now. That's what you would say. I'm usually happy." He told her, but she gave him a withering look. "Well, I'm happy enough. They are my brothers, and I love them."

"No one doubts that. But if your parents were here. . ."

"They aren't." His voice was clipped and harsh. "It doesn't do any good thinking that way." He rose from where they'd been sitting. "I appreciate you thinking about me, but I can't . . ." He looked down at Marlene. "My life isn't about me, anymore. That's how it is, but it won't be forever. When Guthrie turns eighteen, I'll be thirty-five. My time will come later."

"That's no way to live." She said.

"It is the life of a parent. You know that Marlene - you raised four kids."

"I was twenty-two when Nate was born - and I had a husband at my side _and_ it was a choice I made." She said to him.

"Quit nitpicking." He said to her with a grin.

"I miss you." She said smiling at him. "I miss arguing with you."

"I didn't argue. I just have a set way of seeing things, and it takes me awhile to warm up to advice."

"Oh, I guess I misunderstood." She smiled at him. "You are just like her, Adam. She never listened to me either."

"Have you ever considered that maybe you just aren't that good at giving advice?" He asked her with a mischievous grin.

He could feel his whole body relax. Marlene and Mike were as close as he came to having parents. He and Brian had relied heavily on them in the first weeks after their parents deaths. She was the only person that he could leave Guthrie with - anyone else and the two year old howled and cried. She was patient and tolerant of Danny's explosive rages. And yet, she hadn't smothered them either - she understood that Brian and Adam needed to see they could take care of their brothers themselves. What is more, she was one of a handful of people, who believe they could do it. Her faith in him, sustained her whenever doubt crept in. He knew that their decision to retire and move away had been very difficult because of the McFadden boys. And he also knew, times like now, she and Mike were just a phone call away.

"See, this is why we moved. You are just ungrateful." She teased back. "I bet someone somewhere wrote the word incorrigible right next to your name." She rose and stood beside him.

"It probably does." He sighed and ran a hand over his face, glancing briefly at his watch. "It's been nearly three hours! Why haven't they . . ." But the words froze in his throat as he saw the doctor walking toward them.

All smiles left them, and Adam's posture stiffened as he braced himself for bad news.


	9. Chapter 9

Crane remained a half-step behind Adam as they entered the small space where Ford lay motionless. He fought the urge to reach out and hold on to Adam's hand. He felt like he was seven years old. He knew it was stupid to be frightened and yet he was.

"It's okay." Adam said and put a steadying arm around Crane's thin shoulders, drawing him closer to the ICU bed where Ford lay.

"He looks so small." Crane whispered.

"He is small." Adam said.

Crane glanced at the machines that surrounded his little brother. He knew they were flooding his system with powerful antibiotics to fight the infection. He knew they were giving him oxygen and had heard his brothers talk about the possibility of dialysis if his kidneys did not improve in function. He understood the need for bold and aggressive moves on the part of the doctors. He understood they were helping Ford. He understood that all the tubes and wires were for Ford's own good.

But he felt shattered.

"I wish. . ." He said surprised by the strength of his voice. "I wish I could pick him up. He likes to be snuggled when he's sick."

"I know what you mean." Adam said stepping closer to the bed. He rested a hand on Ford's hand for a brief second. "Hang in there." He said. "You get better little buckaroo. Crane's here with me. We love you buddy."

Crane knew Ford couldn't respond. The medicine kept him sedated and kept his pain at bay. But he hated everything he was seeing. He had spent most of last night reading everything he could find about appendicitis and sepsis. Frustrated by the lack of information in the encyclopedia at home, he had caught a ride into to town, and stayed in the library reading until Mr. Thompkins, the local librarian had forced him to leave.

"Go home and get some sleep." He had told Crane.

But Crane hadn't slept at all. Everything he had read left him terrified. Reading statistics and outcomes and numbers had brought him no comfort. And all the while, as he read, every word, every letter, every single number filled his heart with terror when he thought of Ford's happy face smiling up at him.

"I wish we could see his eyes." Crane said watching Adam gently rub Ford's fingertips; the only part of his hand not covered in wires or tubes or tape. "You can always tell by his eyes."

Adam simply nodded, and then glanced at the clock. "They'll kick us out in a minute." He sighed. Two minutes every two hours wasn't really enough.

"Yeah." Crane said sadly. He took a small step closer to the bed, unsure. "You hang in there Ford." His voice was soft, and he opened his mouth to tell his little brother how much he loved him, but found he couldn't speak at all.

Adam hooked a strong arm around him, supporting him. "We love you Ford." Adam said in a voice husky with sorrow. "Crane and me gotta go just now. They won't let us stay, but we are close by. I won't leave you, little man. You keep fighting." Keeping his arm around Crane, he moved slowly out of the room and back into the hallway.

Crane stood in the dim hall and sagged against the wall, as the room began to spin. He lifted up an arm to block the light from his eyes, feeling disoriented. And then suddenly, everything went black.

***7***

"Hey, your eyes are open." Brian's voice floated above Crane.

"Wha . . what happened." Crane said surprised to find himself lying on a gurney in a small hospital room.

"You fainted." Brian said moving closer and sitting beside him. "You're okay."

"I just couldn't . . ." He looked down ashamed. Passing out was the _last_ thing his brothers needed. "I"m sorry, Bri."

"What are you sorry for?" Brian reached out and rubbing Crane's shoulder. "You saw your little brother helpless, sick and," He hesitated clearing his throat. "And you got upset. Sounds like something a good brother would do."

"You don't need me to . . ."

Brian shook his head. "You never learn, Crane. We don't need you to be anything except how you are, Crane. If you are upset, that's okay. If you are scared, that's okay. Hell, if you are hungry, that's okay. You don't have to take care of us. Adam and me, we'll take care of you. You got that?"

"It isn't fair." Crane said simply.

"Nope." Brian agreed. "It isn't. Course, lots of things aren't fair. Being struck down before you are forty years old isn't fair. Getting taken away from your sons isn't fair. Being eight years old and lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a million machines isn't fair either. But that is the way it is. Whether or not things are fair, I'm your brother, Crane. And brothers stick together first. My _first_ job is to take care of you. That's what Mom told me on the day you took your first breath."

Crane swallowed down a fresh wave of tears, and nodded his head at Brian.

"Well, they said you need to sit tight for another half-hour and then you should be okay." Brian said. "You thirsty or hungry?"

Crane shook his head. "How's Ford doing?"

"Well, he's holding his own. We are waiting to hear from the doc about his kidneys. They are checking his blood again in about an hour to see if they are making headway with the infection. We just gotta wait."

"You hate waiting." Ford said considering his older brother thoughtfully.

"I do." Brian agreed. "Quit talking. Lie back and rest. We'll get your feet under you soon enough."

Crane lay back on the gurney, closing his eyes. He still felt terrified; the image of Ford so tiny and covered in tubes and wires every before him. Even though he was nearly as tall as Brian, and a junior in high school, he reached out for his older brother's hand, and holding tight to Brian's work-rough fingers, he felt comforted.

***7***

Adam leaned against the wall, and looked up into the doctor's eyes.

"Your brother fainted?" The doctor asked.

"It was too much." Adam said with a sigh. "He's okay. The nurses took good care of him."

"You boys can't catch a break."

Adam gave a half-chuckle. "I was hoping you were gonna tell me different."

"Ford's a pretty sick little guy." The doctor said. "It's going to be awhile before he's out of the woods. I wish I could tell you differently. I really do." He looked up at Adam with serious blue eyes.

"But he's holding his own?" Adam was ashamed at how young and whiney he sounded.

"He's doing better than that. We are getting better function from his kidneys, which is a good sign. I think we can avoid dialysis. We need to give it time for the fluids and antibiotics to work. The most important thing is that we caught it early. The greatest danger is when it goes untreated."

"Thank you, doc." Adam said. "We appreciate all that everyone's doing. He's such a good little guy. I bet his stomach was hurting him for . . ." He swallowed hard.

The doctor put a hand on Adam's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Take it easy, son. We are working hard to getting him back to running around with his brothers." He nodded at Adam and Adam watched him walk away.

He ran a hand over his face, feeling the stubble of a beard. How long had they been here? How many days had passed since Ford said his stomach hurt? He wondered how Danny was doing with his new class, and worried that Guthrie was doing alright. It had been days since he'd seen his baby brother. He thought of Evan who must be so worried and lonesome without his little buddy.

And Crane.

Watching his brother fall to the ground after the shock of seeing Ford so sick, had been more than Adam could bear. Of course, Adam's entire problem was that his life was filled with things he couldn't bear, but had to bear anyway.

He paced the stretch of hallway between the ICU waiting room and where Brian waited with Crane. He hovered just outside the room, and was pleased to see that the color had returned to Crane's face. Crane sat back on the gurney, with closed eyes. He turned to head back to the waiting room, when Brian looked up.

Brian immediately stepped out into the hall. "What?" He asked.

"I was just stretching my legs." He said. "Waiting until I can go back in. He okay?"

"Yeah." Brian sighed. "You know Crane. He's trying to be 'good'."

"He doesn't want to cause any trouble." Adam said.

"You talk to the doc?"

"He's holding his own. His kidneys are working better, so that's good."

"Yeah? That's good news." Brian said raising his eyebrows at Adam.

"You call home recently?" Adam asked.

"This morning, I think. I don't know. I don't know what day it is anymore." He stretched his neck, twisting his head from side to side. "They were doing okay."

"Guthrie sleeping?"

"As much as he ever does. If Marlene isn't there, he's with Patty." He looked as his older brother who seemed to be aging before his eyes. "One thing at a time. Right, Adam?"

"If only." Adam said with a sigh.

"When's the last time you slept?" Brian asked.

"Don't start." Adam said. "I'm going back. You okay, staying with him?"

"No problem." Brian said. "Once he's feeling better, I think we should send him home."

"Sounds good." Adam met Brian's eyes. "You eat?"

"More than you." He said. "Don't make me sick the committee after you."

"They're probably circling their wagons right now." Adam said with a sigh.

"They mean well, Adam. They feel responsible." Brian said.

"I know that. I just can't manage . . ." Adam ran a hand through his hair. "How am I supposed to sit down and eat when he can't even breathe without help?"

"You don't have to explain it to me, brother. I just, well, somebody has to worry about you." He smiled sadly at Adam squeezing his arm. "We have got to find you a woman."

"Oh, that's all we need to be worried about."

"I realize it is a nearly impossible task. I mean, once they see me, they chuck you to the side, but maybe we can find a girl with bad eyesight."

"Yeah, my looks are what's sending them running for the door. My little brothers haven't got a thing to do with it."

"Adam," Brian said seriously. "They aren't running for the door. They are running to me." He raised his eyebrows with a laugh.

"You are such a jackass." Adam said shaking his head.

"I know. That's the craziest part! They should stay away from me. I mean, you are the good one. It's a curse to be this good looking. It really is."

"Go check on Crane, huh? We can worry about finding me a girl after two-sevenths of us aren't in the hospital."

***7***

Doctor William Esterhaus studied the test results for a third time. "When did they run these?" He asked the nurse.

"Forty minutes ago."

"I don't imagine the family went home. Are they still here?"

"Those boys are camped out in the waiting room. The oldest one, looks like he's about ready to fall down." She shook her head. "He's twenty. Did you know that? He's been looking after his brothers since he was seventeen years old."

"I heard that." He sighed. "They scheduled the room?"

"Yes."

"I better go talk to them." He sighed. "Can you have Rachel call my wife? There's no way I'm gonna make that dinner party." He turned to go, but paused looking back over his shoulder. "There isn't anyone else? No uncle? No grandparents?"

She shook her head.

"I don't know how he's . . ." He hesitated in the doorway for a moment. "My nephew is twenty. You know what he did last weekend?"

"No." She raised her eyebrows, concerned. "You alright, Bill?"

"He got drunk, but was smart enough not to drive. He decided to ride his bike home instead, and crashed it into a rose bush. Got tons of scratches because he was convinced he was being attacked by a dragon." He shook his head. "My sister is furious with him, but I told her that he is twenty, and that's when you are allowed to be stupid."

They stood staring at each other silently.

"Bill . . ." She began.

"Don't forget to talk to Rachel. My wife will be mad as hell, if she doesn't get a phone call. I don't think I can manage her being mad at me on top of everything else. See if you can get Dr. Rosario to come in. I know that they are both over eighteen, but they've been through the wringer. It couldn't hurt to have a psychologist to just happen by the waiting room."

"I'll take care of everything."

He moved slowly down the hall toward the waiting room, hoping that the brothers weren't waiting alone. He had seen other people waiting with them. It had relieved him to see that they had some older people in their lives who were looking out for them. Unfortunately, none of them appeared to be at the hospital just now. The oldest brother, Adam, was waiting all alone.

He sighed, and stepped into the room, wishing that he had listened to his college roommate, and dropped out of school and moved with him to Mexico to spend his days soaking up the sunshine.

The thin boy, rose and crossed to him in quick, steady strides.

"Doc?"


	10. Chapter 10

Dr. Esterhaus straightened his shoulders and putting a hand on Adam's arm said, "Why don't we sit down over here." He turned to guide Adam to a chair, but Adam broke away from his grasp.

"No!" He exploded. "I don't want to sit in a chair!" He stood seething and took in shallow, ragged breaths.

Dr. Esterhaus studied the young man thoughtfully, recognizing that he had somehow touched a nerve so raw and fresh that pain seemed to radiate off the twenty-year old.

"No, I'm sorry." He began again, attempting to sooth the boy's jangled nerves.

"Is he dead? Is that what you're gonna say? Is little Ford . . ." He stopped abruptly, lifting an arm to hide his eyes.

"No. Ford is not dead. Adam, please sit down." Dr. Esterhaus pleaded.

Slowly, reluctantly the boy slid into a chair and Dr. Esterhaus sat across from him.

"Remember, we said we'd keep monitoring his blood to make sure the infection was going down?"

Adam nodded numbly.

"The last time we checked it, there was a slight rise in . . ." He glanced at the young man's terror stricken face, deciding now wasn't the time for precise medical explanations. "He isn't getting better any more. I think there's an abscess we missed. Inside."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I'm going to go back in, and check. We'll put in some more tubes to drain the poison out. It's not like his numbers have gotten a ton worse. It is just that they aren't improving at all. But, I don't want to take any chances with him. Sepsis is bad, Adam, I'm not going to lie to you. And it is worse for small children like your brother, but I'm doing everything in my power. I would rather be aggressive with his treatment, than miss something."

"I thought . . . when you said 'sit down' . . .they said that before when . . ." He looked up meeting the doctor's eyes, and it was only then that Dr. Esterhaus could see how terribly young Adam was. He looked like a boy unsure and fearful, turning to a grown-up for reassurance.

"I promise you. We are going to get Ford better. I promise to do everything I can to make that happen."

He recognized that the line between patient and doctor was becoming blurry. He was becoming too attached to this family. He sighed remembering what his wife had told him just last weekend, "Bill! You are so detached! Don't you _feel_ anything?"

Impulsively, he stretched his hand out across the short distance that separated him from this young man, and put a hand on his arm. "Adam, you need to rest. There's a room the doctor's use to sleep when they can; I'll have a nurse take you there. He'll be in surgery for the next few hours. I swear they'll wake you if there's need. You can't keep going like this."

"No, I . . .gotta call my brothers and . . ."

"Son, that will take a few minutes and then lie down. I can prescribe something - nothing powerful, just to let you rest."

The boy looked up with dark eyes that brimmed with tears. "I just want Ford to be alright." He whispered.

Dr. William Esterhaus swallowed hard and nodding his head squeezed the boy's shoulder again.

"I'll send the nurse to you." He said after a long silence, and rising abruptly strode away.

He paused at the nurse's station, glancing around until he saw Marla Parker.

"Marla?" He said surprised at the shaky sound of his own voice. She crossed to where he stood.

"Yes, doctor." But then seeing his face asked, "Bill? Are you alright?"

He glanced over his shoulder where twenty-year old Adam McFadden sat with his head in his hands. Marla followed his line of sight and sighed.

"See if you can't get him to lie down. He's exhausted, and there's nothing to do but wait. I gotta go prep."

Marla nodded saying nothing, both of them watching Adam from a distance.

"My nephew's twenty." He said thinking of the lanky boy who slumped on his couch whenever they were over at the house. "He wants a car." He sighed. "That one over there just wants his little brother to be okay." He shook his head. "Page Dr. Anderson. I want him to scrub in. I might be getting too attached."

"Pretty hard not too." She said. "I'll page him now."

"Keep an eye on him, would you Marla?"

"Yes, Doctor." She said and with a nod at her, he turned to see if he could save Adam's little brother.

***7***

"I'm not eating it." Danny said stubbornly with a steady glare at Marlene.

"That's fine, Danny." She said patiently. "You want to eat Danny's too?" She asked Evan.

"Yes!" Evan cheered and Marlene reached to move Danny's plate in front of Evan, but Danny reached out with a firm grip, holding his plate to him.

"I didn't say you could give it away."

Marlene glanced up, catching Crane's eye. Crane shook his head with a sad grin, and Marlene nodded at him.

"Can't seem to make up your mind this morning, Daniel." She said to him and rose to pour herself a cup of coffee.

"When am I gonna see Adam?" Danny whined.

"He's at the hospital still." Crane answered. "Danny quit being a brat. You aren't being fair to Marlene."

"I don't like being bossed. I'm not a baby!"

"I'm sorry, Danny. I didn't mean to be bossy." Marlene said gently with a sad grin.

"I wanna see Adam!"

"Adam! Adam!" Guthrie chanted and sliding down from where he sat, he crossed over to where Crane stood, and clinging to his brother's long legs, craned his neck back and looking up at Crane repeated, "Adam! Adam!"

"Now, you've done it." Marlene said to Danny who saged visibly.

Crane reached down and lifted Guthrie up into his arms. "Wanna go see the chickens, Guth? Let's go see if there are eggs."

"I already . . ." Evan began, but Crane shook his head.

"Guthrie likes to check too. Don't you Guth?"

"Chickens!" Guthrie said cheerfully.

"The bus will be here." Marlene said and Evan immediately popped up to find his backpack. She looked at Danny. "You wanna go today?"

Danny pushed his plate away and rested his head on his arms on the table. He turned his head sideways so he could see Marlene's face.

"I don't know. Are you gonna stay here today?"

"I'll be here with Guthrie, or at the hospital. If you want to try and go, you can call me any time Danny. I'll come get you." She reached out and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'll go, I guess." He said pushing back his chair, and rising slowly. "How will I call if you are at the hospital?"

"If I go there, I'll call the school first, so they know where I am." She said gently.

"Okay." He said and left to get his backpack. He paused at the doorway and said softly over his shoulder. "Thanks Marlene. I'm sorry I've been such a brat."

"Don't worry about that, Danny. You aren't a brat. You are a good boy." She said swallowing down tears. "You just . . ."

"I miss Mama." He said softly.

"Yes." She nodded as a tear spilled out and rolled down her cheek.

"I don't wanna miss the bus." He said and she nodded her head at him.

"You call me, Danny, and I'll be right there."

"Yes, ma'am." He said

***7***

Esther Simmons was twenty-seven years old, and with the addition of Danny McFadden, she had twenty-seven students. Last year her class had twenty-six students. When she was twenty-five, she taught a class of twenty-five rambunctious students. Her fiancé, Mark teased her over this odd recurring coincidence. "Just wait til you're forty-five!" He'd laughed.

Of course, the addition of Danny was closer to adding ten students. He was a boy bereft. It didn't help that he was small for his age and adorable with bright, big eyes.

She had been calm and gentle with him, his first day coinciding with his younger brother's illness. He had watched her silently all day. She dismissed the class for lunch recess, keeping him back.

"Do you have your notes for the novel you were reading in your other class?" She asked him.

Saying nothing but staring her down with eyes that burned with rage, he extracted three thin sheets of paper from his notebook. Each page was covered with dark, angry writing.

"Bring them here." She said leading him to an empty metal trash can. She glanced around nervously, and then rolled them into a long tube.

"Hold it over the trash can." She said handing them back to him. "Keep your hand at the top."

His eyes grew wide with shock as she reached into her pocket retrieving a small lighter. It was so new that it was shiny and still had the price tag on its side. Glancing once more around, she set fire to the edges of his notes. They watched it burn together until she broke the silence as the flames neared his hand.

"Let go, Danny."

Feeling the heat from the flames, he released his grip on the hated pages as they turned to a charted pile of ashes.

He lifted his gaze from the trash can and up into his teacher's face.

"If anything, _anything _we do causes you pain, you tell me Danny." Her voice was serious. "I'm your teacher now and I've got two jobs: the first is to help you learn and the second is to keep you safe."

"Ye -es, ma'am." His voice was soft.

"Now, go play." She said smiling at him.

"Yes, ma'am." He repeated and stumbling he left to join the other children at lunch.

Later that afternoon, long after the last child had left, he stepped silently into the classroom. She was working with her head bent low grading math tests so she didn't see him until he stood directly before her.

"Danny?" She asked.

Saying nothing he laid a single tulip on her desk and then ran out the door before she could even respond.

_Oh, my_. She thought lifting her hand to her face.

"You haven't been smoking, have you?" Mr. Jacobs voice cut harshly into her thoughts. "It smells like something was burning."

"No. It was a project." She said shaking herself out of her stupor.

"I brought McFadden's file. If he gives you any lip send him straight to the office. He's been warned already. Don't put up with any psychobabble crap from the family. He's headstrong."

She accepted the file from her bitter co-worker. "Thanks for the advice." She said flatly as he turned to leave. Adding a silent, "_Jackass," _as she watched him go, secretly wishing she were brave enough to say it out loud.

***7***

"Adam!" Guthrie screamed and sprinted toward his older brother who couldn't help but smile at the towheaded four year old who leapt into his open arms.

"Hey little buckaroo!" He said hugging him close.

"There was no stopping him once he saw you." Marlene said kissing Adam's cheek. "Any word yet?"

"No. Brian's waiting up in ICU. He'll come down and get us. Dr. Esterhaus said it would be long. He wants to be very careful."

"That's good then." She rubbed Guthrie's head absently. "Come on Guthrie, lets take Adam to the cafeteria. We'll watch him eat."

"I'm not . . ." Adam began.

"Don't mistake orders for advice, Junior. Just because you are six foot two doesn't mean you scare me."

He shifted Guthrie to his left hip. "I'm six foot three, Marlene."

"Then you are even skinnier than I thought." She said and putting a hand on his arm, led him down the hall.

Adam recognized that Marlene wasn't going to let it go so he submitted to his fate, and sat at a plastic table eating a turkey sandwich while Guthrie sat on his lap sneaking his potato chips. Marlene sat across from him sipping an iced tea.

"You look tired." He observed. "Danny giving you grief?"

"I got a soft spot for Daniel. You know that. No, he's doing alright. He's much happier in his new class but he's worried and scared. They all are."

"We can't say thank you enough. You and Mike dropping everything and coming out here. Brian and I could never manage without you."

"Nonsense! You do just fine. And we've been over it. There's more to family than blood. I just can't wait until Ford's better. None of you boys are alright if one of you is sick or hurt." She sighed. "Both Danny and Evan are bunking in with Crane, and Guthrie spends his nights kicking Mike and me."

"Why do you always kick, huh?" He asked tickling his little brother who giggled and then sighed resting his head against his big brother's shoulder. Sighing, he slid two fingers into his mouth saying softly. "Adam. I missed Adam."

Setting down the half-eaten turkey sandwich, he rubbed wide circles on Guthrie's back. "I missed you too, cowboy."

"Ford is sick." Guthrie said.

"Ford is sick." Adam said resting his cheek against his brother's head. He glanced over at Marlene who wiped tears out of her eyes.

"Knock it, off, Marlene. I'm gonna start bawling and it will destroy my macho, tough-guy, cowboy image. I got at least two nurses fooled."

"Real cowboys cry." She said stubbornly.

"Not at the campfire where folks can see." He countered.

_"Cowboys cry." His mother said putting a gentle hand on his shoulder._

_"Not in front of people, Mama." He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, embarrassed._

_"Cowboys cry at home with their woman." His father said._

_"Adam!" His mother protested. "Woman?"_

_"Oh, now, Katie I don't mean it like that and you know it, girl." He turned to face his nine year old son. "A cowboy cries when he is safe at home with his girl. Now, you are kind of young for a girl just yet so I'll loan you mine." _

"Dad said cowboys cry at home with their girl." He studied Marlene a long moment.

"I guess we better find you a girl then." She pushed the plate back in front of him. "Eat, Adam. Ford needs you strong."

***7***

Guthrie had wept buckets when Marlene took him home. The sight of their youngest brother sobbing filled Brian's heart with anguish. He glanced at his older brother who's face grew expressionless, his jaw shifting from side-to-side.

They walked together back up to the ICU waiting room with Guthrie's sobs still ringing in their ears.

"It was good to see the little brat." Brian said as they sat back in the same chairs that they'd been waiting for days.

"Yep."

Brian rose restless. "They should be done soon. It's been nearly four hours."

"Yep."

"You got lots to say, I see." Brian sarcastic tone came out harsh.

"I was thinking of when he first started walking. Remember?"

Brian's face immediately softened. "Yeah, I remember. He just couldn't stand that he couldn't keep up with Evan so he just got up and walked."

"He was so tiny." Adam looked at his brother. "How old do you think he was?"

"Maybe ten months. He was little. I remember people talked about it being surprising."

These were the little pieces of their lives that were forever lost to them. Ages and dates. First words. Things that at seventeen had never seemed important to Adam. Who cared how old your brother was when he lost his first tooth? But after the crash, Adam realized he would never know if he fussed while teething or was slow to learn to tell time. They were secrets buried with his parents.

Lost in these thoughts he was surprised to see Dr. Esterhaus step into the room with Nurse Parker following behind. She was clearly no longer working, for she was dressed in her regular clothes, and Adam didn't know whether to consider this a good or bad sign.

He moved to stand but the doctor waved him down.

"No need. Sit boys." He sat across from them. "It was what I thought. There was another abscess. We cleaned the area, and put in another drain. I was very thorough and very careful."

"And what do you think?" Brian asked with a glance at Adam.

"I will tell you what I _know_." Dr. Esterhaus said. "He's already improving." He smiled at the brothers. "I promised I'd do everything I could."

"You did." Adam agreed.

"He isn't out of the woods just yet, but I am really hopeful. The fact that he hasn't lost kidney function is good. We just need to give his system time to fight the infection, and then to recover. But right now, all his numbers are already improving." He smiled at them, and reaching out squeezed, Adam's knee.

"Thanks so much doctor." Adam said looking up at him. "We can't . . ." He swallowed hard. "Thank you."

"You are welcome, Adam. He's still in recovery. I'm going to go sit with him. We will let you in to see him, just as soon as we can." He rose and so did Brian and Adam, who shook his hand.

Adam turned to Nurse Parker who had watched the entire exchange. "Thank you." He said to her.

"Oh, I didn't do anything. I'm not a surgical nurse." She said.

"Thank you for sticking around." He said.

"Well, I'm going to go grab you fellas some pillows and blankets. You two crash out here. I am headed home, but I already talked to Nurse Thompkins, and she'll wake the very second Dr. Esterhaus says you are allowed to see him. I promise it."

"Thank you." Brian said. She smiled at the two of them, and went to get the blankets.

Brian stood facing Adam both of them too relieved to even speak at all. He let out a long slow exhale, and looking up was surprised to see Adam had dropped his head and was silently sobbing. Stunned, Brian gathered his older brother in his arms, locking him in a tight embrace.

"He's gonna be okay, man. I know it." He whispered. "He'll be just fine. Ford's tough as they come. You can't knock him down."

Adam's tears stopped as abruptly as they began. Stepping back from Brian he wiped his eyes, and turned away embarrassed. "He's a McFadden." He said in a voice that was thick with emotion as he turned back to face Brian. "They don't come any tougher."

"Damn straight." Brian agreed with a grin.

Twenty minutes later, Nurse Marla Parker, passed by the waiting room one last time before heading home. Glancing inside she saw that the two boys were sound asleep stretched out with their long limbs hanging over the couches they occupied. They looked horribly uncomfortable, but glancing at their faces before clicking off the light to the room, she was struck by the look of utter peace that had settled on their chiseled features. Closing the door behind her, she prayed that nothing would disturb that peace.


	11. Chapter 11

Ford McFadden's eyes opened wide with fear. He searched the unfamiliar room with frightened blue eyes, as his heart rate increased. His panic began to subside as his eyes rested on the familiar and comforting face of his brother.

_Adam._

"Hey, buddy. It's okay. It's okay. Calm down. You are sick, and in the hospital. Don't flop around okay, pal. Easy now." Adam said leaning over him.

Adam looked different. His face was skinny and he had a beard. His eyes were red rimmed and he was all rumpled.

Adam reached out with a gentle hand, rubbing Ford's cheek. Ford took great comfort in the familiar touch of his older brother's hand. "It's okay, little man. You rest now. Just close your eyes and sleep. You are gonna feel better really soon."

Ford lifted a hand and gestured to the tube that was in his throat.

"I know buddy. It's helping you get healthy okay? Soon as you're a little bit better they'll take it out and then you can talk all you want. I know it is scary, but listen, I'm right here. I wouldn't let them do anything but help you. Okay?" His fingers brushed lightly back and forth across Ford's cheek. "You just rest buddy. I am right here with you and I'm not going anywhere."

Ford watched as Adam turned his head, speaking to someone behind him.

"Can I kiss him?"

Ford didn't hear the answer, and was feeling so tired that he could barely keep his eyes open, but then Adam was leaning close. As his eyes closed, he felt a gentle brush against his cheek. He knew it was Adam giving him a kiss; could hear Adam whispering in his ear, but he imagined it was his mother leaning close and tucking him safely into bed.

"I love you Ford." Adam whispered. "You just get better. I'll be here when you open your eyes again. I love you, little man."

Ford drifted back to sleep, not yet experiencing the pain and discomfort of his illness. For now, he was comforted and content to have his older brother at his side; watching over him, and making sure that he was completely safe.

***7***

"You look like a mountain man." Danny said to his older brother.

"You don't like the beard?" Adam asked rubbing his chin.

"No."

"Well, kid, it might just be you aren't big on change." Adam said tousling his brother's hair.

"I'm not." Danny said seriously.

"Yeah, I picked up on that." Adam stretched and was surprised to see how clean the house was for once. "You can always tell when Marlene comes to town."

"I know. All she does is cook, cook, cook and clean and clean and clean." Danny said. "You ought to see the freezer! It's packed!"

"Listen pal," Adam said squeezing Danny's shoulder. "I'm gonna take a quick shower. See if you can put together a cup of coffee for me, and when I get out, you and I can sit down and have a meeting."

Danny's eyebrows rose in surprise. "A meeting?"

"You know, man to man. You can fill me in on all that has been going on around here." He smiled at his little brother. Happy to be at home. Happy to be looking into the familiar eyes of his most troublesome brother.

"I'll make you a good pot of coffee." Danny smiled. "I can even throw in some toast and eggs."

"Feel free to let Marlene give you a hand." Adam said before disappearing up the stairs.

Danny ran straight to the kitchen, nearly crashing into Crane.

"Watch it!" Crane said juggling a glass of milk in his hand. "You almost made me spill."

"Adam's home!" Danny said excitedly.

"Yeah, I saw him. Ford's doing lots and lots better. Brian's with him."

"Can we go see him?" Danny asked.

"Not yet. You have to be thirteen to go to where he is now. But they'll move him to a regular room sooner or later, and then you can go see him." Crane said sitting down at the table with a book in front of him.

"If I write him a note, will you take it to him?" Danny asked.

"Yeah, sure." Crane didn't even look up, absorbed in his studies.

"Crane?" Danny asked as his brother studied the book in front of him. "Crane?"

"What?" Crane looked up and tried to squash down any irritation.

"Adam wants me to fix him some coffee. Can you show me?"

Crane smiled. If Danny wasn't fighting with his older brother, he was following him around the house. The two of them drove him crazy. He'd spent two whole weeks last summer in the psychology section of the library trying to figure it all out. In the end, he learned two important things: 1. He was never, ever going to be a psychologist and 2. Danny and Adam's relationship was ridiculously complicated.

"Yeah, sure. Then will you let me study?" He grinned at Daniel.

"Well, after you help me cook up some eggs too?" He gave his best angelic smile, and Crane had to laugh. One thing for sure, Danny was a good-looking kid who know how to use it to his advantage.

***7***

"When can I see him?"

"This is pretty good coffee, Danny. Did Marlene make it?" Adam asked.

"No, I told you. She took Evan to Andy's birthday party. Guthrie is with her too. You just missed her."

"I gotta say, I am impressed. Your eggs are better than Brian's! They taste as good as Crane's." He winked at Crane who sat at the end of the table working on his homework.

"Well, he mighta helped a little. When can I see him?" Danny repeated.

"I don't know. He's doing lots and lots better. They are going to take the tube out of his throat tomorrow. And then he'll be able to talk, but they are keeping him in ICU for a bit. He was really, really sick." He sat back in his chair trying not to relive the terror of the last six days. "I'm gonna head back there in a little bit and send Brian home."

"Already?"

"Yeah, sorry pal. But if you were sick, I'd be there for you." Adam said.

"I know." Danny sighed.

"So, do you like Miss Simmons? How's school going?"

"Much better. She's really nice Adam. Didn't you ever have her?"

"No, she's too young! I was in the sixth grade one hundred years ago. All my teachers are in old folks homes." He smiled. "She's pretty?"

"She's engaged. I already checked. Too bad." Danny said.

"You already checked?" Adam looked stricken.

"Listen, you can't spend all your time on the ranch. Someone has got to find you a girl." Danny explained. "I think if you had a girl, you'd probably be a lot more cheerful."

"You do?" Adam shook his head. "Maybe we ought to find you a girl, then."

"He's already in love." Crane said teasingly.

"What? I was gone six days! What the hell happened!"

"I am NOT!" Danny said furiously.

"Sure you are." Crane said. "But don't worry Adam, the girl is engaged." He winked at Adam.

"I am NOT in love with Miss Simmons. She's just nice. You'd be happy too, if you got to switch from Mr. Jacobs to Miss Simmons!"

Crane gathered his books. "I'm going upstairs. I'm never gonna get anything finished down here." He left the room but said over his shoulder, "It's okay to fall in love with your teacher, Danny. Just don't ask her to the dance."

"Shut up!" Danny said standing.

"Sit down." Adam said suppressing a laugh. Danny sat sulkily. "So, you like your new class better. Well, that's good. I gotta be honest with you, Daniel. I really didn't like Mr. Jacobs. Not when he was Crane's teacher. Not when he taught Evan. He's just mean. He shouldn't have treated you like that. I've been meaning to tell you that forever now. I never got the chance with Ford being so sick. You were right to get angry."

"Thanks, Adam." He sat quiet and thoughtful. "Can I tell you a secret?" He said after a long while.

"Sure."

"She had me take out all my notes from Mr. Jacob's class - the ones he made me write about that stupid, stupid book, and she burned them! She burned them right up!"

Adam's eyes grew wide with utter surprise. He felt a powerful sense of relief flood his system. _Danny would be okay_. "She sounds like she's a really good teacher." He said softly.

"She is." Danny admitted. "And I don't even like school, only maybe, now I do."

"Are you sure she's engaged?" Adam asked thinking that he would like to meet Miss Simmons.

"Yeah. I was pretty sad when I found out too. I was hoping you could marry her." Danny sat thoughtfully. "Hey, maybe she's got a sister!"

"That's okay." Adam said laughing. "I got enough to do around here. I don't need some girl getting things all complicated."

***7***

"Well, look who's sitting up!" Brian said stepping back into Ford's hospital room. Adam looked up from where he sat beside Ford's bed.

"Oh, it gets better. Watch this." He turned to Ford. "Go ahead, partner, show him."

"Hi Brian." Ford's voice was hoarse and gravely.

"Hi yourself, little man!" Brian said tears filling his eyes. "Ain't that the best damn sound you ever heard!" He said to Adam as he kissed Ford.

"Don't say ain't." Adam said in a thick voice. "You sound like a hick."

"He is a hick." Ford said with a smile.

"You watch it, mister." Brian said laughing and sitting down on the bed facing his little brother. "How you feeling?"

Ford shrugged. "Not so great."

"I'll bet." Brian said still smiling and leaning forward gave him another kiss. He glanced over at Adam.

"We were just thinking it might be time for a nap." Adam said, his smile matching Brian's.

"Sounds like a great plan. You lie on back down, Ford. You don't mind if I lie right next to you, do you?"

Ford shook his head.

"Good." Brian said. "I sure am happy you are getting better, little man. You sure scared Adam and me.

Ford lay back, and Brian scooted forward so he sat beside his little brother. He ran his fingers through Ford's blond hair, as Ford fell back asleep.

"He's doing okay?" Brian asked softly.

"Yeah." Adam sighed. "Taking that damn tube out . . . I swear I wanted to put my boot right through that doctor's throat. It was awful, Bri. I'm glad you weren't here. You would've knocked everyone in the room on their ass. It was . . . " He shook his head clearly troubled by the memory. "But he's better now. He feels pretty miserable though."

"Yeah." Brian said leaning over and kissing Ford's forehead. "I don't know what to do. I feel like bawling my eyes out and running around screaming for joy."

"I know what you mean. When I went home I stepped into that shower and bawled my damn head off! I'm glad Marlene was out! Otherwise I would've cried soon as I stepped in the door."

"That was pretty goddamn scary." Brian said. "I mean it, Adam. I have never been so scared in my whole damn life. And I've been scared before."

"You and me both." Adam rose and stretched before coming to stand beside his little brother. He looked down at Ford's face. With Ford's blond hair, and rosy cheeks, he always looked like a sleeping angel. He sighed, and bending low gave his cheek a soft kiss.

"I feel like I am fifty years old." He said looking at Brian. "Don't you?"

"Speak for yourself, I only feel like I am forty-eight." He grinned at his brother.

"Hoops called the other day. He was all stressed out because he'd got a ticket for driving too fast. He was in a panic his Dad was gonna find out and take his car away." Adam rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "He sounded like a little kid. He sounded younger than Danny."

"He's twenty." Brian explained.

"So am I."

"No you aren't." Brian scoffed. "You went straight from seventeen to thirty-eight." He sighed thinking it over. "He's worried about catching it from his dad, and you and me, are trying to . . ." He shook his head.

"We are trying to figure out how to _be_ Dad." Adam finished the thought. "Goddamn stupid ticket! That's the biggest problem he's got." He looked down at Ford and ran his hand along his brother's baby-soft cheek. "You happy, Brian?" He looked up at his younger brother.

"Happy? What the hell you going on about? Happy? I am downright blissful! We pulled Ford back from the jaws of death! And I don't got to spend another afternoon watching them put my family in the dirt!"

"Not about this. I mean in general, are you happy?"

"I dunno. Most days, I guess." Brian studied his older brother. "Are you?"

Adam studied Ford's face and then looking up, met Brian's eyes. "I miss Mama." He said with tears in his eyes. "And I can't think of Daddy without it feeling like my chest is gonna burst. I wish so much . . ." He swallowed hard. "But if I had left, I wouldn't really know Evan, or Ford or Guthrie. They'd have grown up without me. I would've been off at school, worry about stupid tickets and shaking the dust of our tiny ranch off my boots."

"I was sure you were gonna leave and never come back." Brian said softly. "I was jealous. You'd be hanging out with pretty girls, and living the easy life, while I tried to be as good a rancher as you."

Adam looked up suddenly. "You are a good rancher, Bri."

"Yeah, but you and Dad had a kind of rhythm. He didn't even have to tell you what to do. You just knew it. And he was so damn proud of you. Adam Jackson McFadden, Jr." Brian school his head.

"He was proud of you too." Adam said seriously.

"Yeah, I know. But I always wished I was a good of a son as you." He met Adam's eyes. "I still do."

Adam said nothing but reached across and putting a hand on the back of Brian's neck, pulled his brother close, so that their foreheads touched. They looked down at little Ford sleeping peacefully beneath them.

"I am happy, Bri." Adam said finally answering the question. "Right now, I am pretty damn happy."


	12. Chapter 12

Marlene sighed and checked the roasts in the oven. She could hear the younger boys in the living room who were playing and fussing over Ford who was home at last. Glancing out the kitchen window she could see her husband Mike talking with Brian and Adam. They would leave at the end of the week. In all they had spent four weeks with the McFadden boys. She was thrilled that Ford was healthy enough to come home to his brothers but sad to think of leaving them again.

She remembered the last conversation she'd had with Kate McFadden. It was forever burned in her memory. They had chatted away the afternoon and later that night Kate was ripped from her life forever.

_"He's asleep at last! He's worse than any of them. He hasn't slept the night through yet." Kate McFadden sighed sitting down at the kitchen table across from Marlene._

"_Ben was that way. He didn't sleep the night through until he was fourteen."_

"_That's not very encouraging Marlene." Kate shook her head._

"_You going out tonight?" Marlene asked._

"_Yep and then they all abandoning me for round up. I swear, he teaches those boys the worst things out there! Last year, Crane came back singing a song about a bloody pirate who is coming to take everyone away."_

"_Boys." Marlene said. "There's no hope for you either. You are completely surrounded."_

"_I know. I keep thinking that I can keep one of them from turning into a smelly cowboy, but it's already too late for Guthrie. He's not a baby anymore. I caught him going straight for the mud yesterday."_

"_Well, you could always have another. It might be a girl."_

"_Oh no! I fell for that four times already." She laughed. "You want a beer?"_

"_Yes!" Marlene said. Kate rose and went to the fridge. "Your own or do you want to split one?"_

"_Split it." _

_Kate poured the beer into two glasses and sat back down._

"_It's my fate to spend my life completely surrounded by smelly cowboys."_

"_You don't look that sad about it." Marlene observed._

"_I'm not. At this point, I'd have no idea what to do with a daughter. I'm all done having babies. It would humiliate Junior if I showed up pregnant to drop him off at college." She laughed at the thought._

"_That almost makes it worthwhile. Doesn't it?" _

"_That boys is wound up tight." Kate sighed. "I know he's just trying to find his way. I can't complain. He's never once rebelled. He loves his daddy, and I know he wants some time away, but when I close my eyes, I see him here. He loves this ranch. I think he loves it more than Adam."_

"_It's not easy to let them grow to be men." Marlene agreed._

"_How do you let them leave? I don't think I can do it. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. He's going to go away and some evil blond girl is going to steal him away from us."_

"_Why blond?"_

"_I don't know. I just imagine her that way." She shrugged. "I always wanted to be blond - no one ever writes stories about beautiful redheads. It's always the blond."_

_Marlene laughed. "You are nuts, Kate. You know that? You've had SEVEN children which is crazy in and of itself, but add to that the fact you look like you do. It is unfair to the rest of us. I had two babies, over twenty years ago, and I'm still trying to lose that baby weight." She laughed._

"_Oh, stop. Besides, I can't remember the last time I ate a hot meal. By the time I get everything on the table, the food's all gone." She laughed._

_Marlene glanced at her friend remembering the pain and anguish when her oldest son left home. "Junior will be fine, Kate. You and Adam did a good job. That boy knows who he is. You raised him to be strong. You wait and see."_

She watched Adam as he crossed the yard alongside Mike and Brian. She wished more than anything that Kate could see just how strong her firstborn truly was. Marlene was forever amazed that Adam and Brian had been able to step in and raise their brothers.

In those horrible, bleak days right after the deaths of Adam and Kate McFadden, the entire town had struggled to make the best decision for the boys. No one wanted to split the boys up and yet the idea of two teenagers raising their brothers seemed ludicrous. They had met again and again and again, arguing it all out in the small church building. In the end, it was decided that they would work together, to support the boys and make sure that the family remained intact.

Everyone in town had pitched in. Dinners were delivered daily. Each brother, was provided a lunch by one of his classmates. Everyone took turns watching Guthrie while Adam worked the ranch. The school completely reorganized the entire schedule for the high school so that Brian could take all his classes and be out by 11:45 each day, so that he could work alongside Adam, and still earn his high school diploma. It was an imperfect solution at best, but perfection wasn't a possibility once Adam and Kate had been laid to rest.

Now, three years later, Marlene still wondered if they had made the right choices. The boys seemed to be doing well. They ran things pretty much on their own, although they often had casseroles and meals delivered to the ranch. And it wasn't uncommon for someone to turn to a McFadden boy at school and say, "Hey, my mom packed me an extra lunch. You want it?"

And still she wished she could ask her good friend what she thought of the decisions the people of Murphys had made regarding her beloved cowboys. She prayed that Kate would forgive her for allowing Adam Jr., to withdraw from college.

"I thought you were cooking for us?" Mike said stepping into the kitchen and startling her.

"I am. Don't be bossy." She said turning back to the stove and wiping tears out of her eyes.

"You allri . . ." But before Mike could say more, Adam and Brian stepped into the room.

"Marlene! I wouldn't even care if you told me you were cooking porcupine eyeballs! It smells so good!" Brian said.

"I care. Dear God, promise me it isn't porcupine eyeballs." Adam said. "I'm starved."

"I bet you are! You look like you lost thirty pounds." Marlene said over her shoulder.

"Don't start." He said.

"Junior, I know your Daddy taught you to never bother to tell a woman, 'Don't start.'" Mike said. "Just shut up and nod." He laughed.

"As if any of you know anything about women." Marlene said. "Go round up the boys or we will never make it to church."

"I don't know, Marlene. I understand you want us all there, but I don't know if Ford should be out so late."

"Trust me, Junior. You want to go." Mike said.

***7***

The church was packed which was odd for a Wednesday night - not that Adam dragged his brothers out to church during the week. But they all knew it meant so much to Marlene that they figured one evening was not much to give considering all she had done for them. Glancing around, Adam recognized nearly everyone in town. He felt queasy remembering the last time the whole town had gathered at the church. He blinked twice expecting to see the twin coffins up front.

"Oh, hell." Brian whispered in his ear.

"Yeah. Keep an eye on Danny. I don't want him flipping out."

They filed into a row and Adam glanced around. "Where's Crane?" He looked up surprised to see Crane standing beside Marlene.

"Are you ready?" She asked his brother.

"I better be." She smiled at him, kissing his cheek and Crane walked to the front of the church.

"What's going on?" Adam asked.

"I've no idea." Brian answered passing Guthrie over to Adam.

"I'm supposed to be in charge and I've no idea what in heckfire is going on." Adam grumbled.

"Heckfire?" Brian asked.

"Well, we're in church." Adam shrugged.

The pastor stepped up to the podium. "Crane McFadden and I had a conversation last week, and that conversation has brought us to this evening. Crane." He turned and Adam was amazed to watch his quiet brother walk to the podium looking so much older than sixteen.

"Hello, everyone." He said, and Adam could hear the nervousness in his brother's familiar voice. "I'm a little. . . well, talking about doing this and standing here in front of everyone are two really different things." He laughed.

"Don't worry about us." Someone called out.

"That's right Crane. You are just talking to your family." Adam recognized the voice of Ben Gunn.

"That's the truth isn't it?" Crane said laughing and relaxing a little bit. "You know about three years ago, it seemed like everything was over for us. I couldn't imagine getting out of bed in the morning, let alone standing up here." He sighed. "And just a few weeks ago, it seemed like everything was over again. I mean, things were looking pretty bleak for Ford, and I was . . ." He shrugged embarrassed as his voice choked up. "Well, it was pretty bad."

"Wow." Brian said leaning closer to Adam.

"I . . . I can't even . . ." Adam was too stunned to formulate sentences.

"When Adam and Kate McFadden came here, they were looking for something really specific for themselves and their family. They wanted to live in a place where people knew them and cared about them. They didn't want to be a pair of anonymous strangers plodding through life all alone. They both wanted, more than anything else, to live in a place where they could be surrounded by family. Most folks thought they were crazy, marrying so young and then having all of us. Seven sons. It seemed excessive." He laughed, and so did the congregation. "But they were really happy. You all know that." He smiled out at them. "But that night three years ago, well, it seemed like all their hopes and dreams were destroyed. It seemed like we were destroyed. I know that I felt destroyed." The room was completely silent. "Mostly, I felt like I was all alone."

Adam swallowed hard, remembering those dark days - lost and bereft.

"But I wasn't. I wasn't alone, and I can't tell you how surprised I am to say this, I am not destroyed." He paused looking out at all the people gathered there. "When I see all of you, I remember all that you've done. You've fed us, washed our clothes, cleaned our house, babysat my brothers, drove us on field trips. When I see all of you - I remember all the times you helped us. We are so grateful. We are grateful that Ford is sitting there right now. We are grateful that we are all here together now. It's easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff. Homework, chores, and all the work. You can forget about how lucky you are, and I know it sounds pretty strange, but we are really lucky."

He paused looking at all the people gathered in the church seeing so many familiar faces; his teachers, his friends, his town.

"And I wanted, well, we wanted, to say thank you. We couldn't do it before because we were still too hurt, but this time, we can. Thank you." His voice was steady; mature. "Thank you for all that you did for us during our darkest days then and thank you for being there for us just a few weeks ago. We understand that you've made sacrifices. We understand that you've worried and fretted. And we are grateful. My brothers and I, well, we will always be grateful."

Adam sat back against the hard pew, utterly stunned. He turned to look at Brian, who was equally shocked.

"Did he say anything to you?"

Brian shook his head.

"I can't believe he . . ."

The pastor stood beside Crane then and turning to the congregation he said, "Let's join together in a prayer of thanksgiving that Ford McFadden has been restored to health."

***7***

Adam stood under the starlight outside the big ranch house. His brothers were tucked safe in bed. They had been out late - everyone had wanted to hug them and say something. All the while, Adam had stood numbly, still shocked that his quiet, little brother had made such a bold, definitive move. Truth be told, he felt guilty too. He should have thought of it. He ran a hand through his hair.

Light spilled out from the barn door which was slightly open. He knew Brian was out there. The powerful memories of being embraced by the town inside the church had been too much for his brother, and Adam had no doubt that by morning, Brian would have his father's whisky bottle completely drained. He had made sure all the keys were hidden from him. Experience told him, that Brian would drink, cry and pass out.

"Hey." He turned to see Crane step out on the porch. "He okay?"

"He will be." Adam sighed. "You know Brian. Don't worry, okay."

"Worry seems to come pretty easy to me."

"I can't believe you did that." Adam said. "I . . . I have never been so surprised, Crane."

"It seemed like the right thing to do." He shrugged.

"It was." He looked at his younger brother. "I am really proud of you, Crane. I am proud that you are my brother. And Mom and Dad, they would've been so . . ."

"When Marlene and Mike came this time, I caught them crying, you know. It shocked me. I was so young and so hurt, I didn't think about the people around me. I mean Mom and Marlene were best friends, and Mike and Dad were like brothers. And it made me think, this pain; this loss isn't just ours. Everyone here, all those people who've been helping us, they lost them too." Crane said.

Adam put an arm around Crane's shoulders, unable to speak.

"And the way they were all there again, immediately. As soon as they heard that Ford was sick. I mean, there's Marlene standing on our front porch." He sighed. "I meant what I said, Adam. We are really lucky. If we had been living in some big city, no one would have known us, or Mom and Dad. They would have split us all up."

"I've thought about that." Adam said softly. "All those things you said up there. I've thought all those things, and I'm so proud that you said them. And," He paused and then finally confessed, "And I'm ashamed I never really said them."

"You never give yourself a break, Adam. You never do." Crane shook his head.

"I'm just saying. I'm the oldest." Adam pointed out.

"And you've done enough." Crane said with a grin. "Let someone else do something once in awhile."

"Sure, you can muck out the stables any time you want." Adam teased him.

"Well, maybe it's better you doing everything." Crane shrugged.

Adam sighed. "Thank you, Crane. You did a great thing tonight and I'm really proud of you. I'm proud to be your brother. You grew into a man without me even noticing it."

"I imagine, you'll remember some of my shortcomings tomorrow."

"I doubt it." He surprised Crane by hugging him close and kissing his cheek. Shocked Crane felt his eyes fill with tears.

"I'm, uh, I'm gonna go check on Brian." Adam said clearing his throat, and squeezing Crane's shoulder. He walked down the steps and started to cross the yard, but pausing looked back at Crane and said, "You are right Crane. We are lucky. I am so lucky to have you as my brother. I don't think I ever say it. Thank you, Crane. You are so steady and helpful. I am so thankful to have you at my side." And then he turned abruptly and disappeared inside the barn.


	13. Chapter 13

"Theress he is!" Brian said as Adam stepped into the small room at the back of the barn that had once been their father's office. He lifted his shot glass to Adam, and after draining it, immediately poured himself another drink, draining it too.

"Take it easy, Bri."

"You wan some?" Brian was well into the bottle. "No! Not you." He leaned forward. "You, you know what you are?" He pointed a finger at Adam, pausing only to drink another shot of whisky.

"Hey, Bri. Why don't you go and lie down, huh? Come on, I'll help you inside." Adam hated when Brian drank like this. He knew he couldn't stop him. Brian was the one brother he had absolutely no control over.

"You are a saint! Thatss what they say!" Brian said. "You raised those boyss. All by yerself."

"That's not true. You know that's not true. Brian. Just because other people get it wrong, doesn't mean I do. Knock it off." Adam felt his temper rising.

"Nope! Nobodys but you did it. And what about ole Brian? He's justa, justa rabble-rouser. Poor Adamss got lots of troubless."

Brian set aside the shot glass, and lifted the bottle to his lips.

"That's enough, Brian."

"I'm gonna drink it all!" Brian raised his voice angrily. "It ain't like hesss gonann come back to check. He ain't ever gonna know! Hesss dead! Ain't you heard we are poor little orphanss boyss now."

Adam wiped a hand over his face, and leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. He knew from experience he just had to wait Brian out. Frustrated, he waited for the inevitable.

"Uh oh! Adamsss mad. He doesn't like ole Brian drinking." He lifted the bottle to his lips again. "Knock it off, Brian! That's what Adam'll sayy. Good ollllllle sssaint Adam!" He looked up at Adam with angry, pain-filled eyes. "Ford jussst about died, but he'll keep on going. Gotta keep going. Make Daddy proud!"

"Brian, I . . ." Adam was too overwhelmed with a mix of rage and pity.

"You ought getta girl. Thatsss yourr problem. Nothing seriousss - not like ole Lizzy who broke your little heart. Sssome funns for you." He lifted the bottle to take another drink, but found it was empty. "You take thingsss to seriousmly. You jusst need ssome fun."

Adam said nothing, but seeing that Brian was beginning to nod his head, helped his brother up and over to a cot that ran along the back wall. Brian complied sitting down, and Adam lifted his legs up onto the cot.

"Gonna tuck ole Brian in. I thougt Little Fordie was dead for sssure. Did you? He'ssssss not dead though. And itsss back to working, working, working working and never going nowheres. You and me forever. Ain't that the life? Me and Adammsss."

Adam found an old wool blanket, and silently laid it over Brian, who was already closing his eyes. "Getting up tomorrowsss gonna be a real son of a bitch, huh? Stupid cowwwsss. Don't know to sleep in. I hate them cowsss. Don't you? Don't you wanna run? One of these daysss, just keep going no looking back . . ." He closed his eyes. "Not Adam, no. Hesss the good one. He just keepss going going going. Brotherssss first. That's what Mama said. Brotherssss til you die." His eyes popped open and he grabbed Adam by the front of his shirt and pulling him close he said seriously, "You and me are dead already. You know that, right? Everything we wanted died with them. Our livess are over too." He released his hold and collapsed, almost instantly asleep.

Adam staggered back and studied Brian. He was filled with a mix of fury, and love for him. This is why he hated when Brian got drunk. All the things they never said would come spilling out, and it hurt like a wound. The dark things that were best kept buried would surface. That's why they had a strict rule - two beers. But on three separate occasions, Brian had gotten completely wasted, and each time, Adam had been horrified by the dark thoughts he expressed.

He was shaken by it. It felt like looking into a mirror expecting to see yourself, but instead discovering a hideous monster.

Because everything Brian said was true.

Their lives were over. All Adam's plans and hopes for himself were gone. And everyday, for the rest of his life, he'd be responsible for his six brothers; next of kin; guardian. Even when they were grown, if something happened it would be Adam who'd be called. Forever.

He hated when Brian got drunk because he spoke all of Adam's dark secrets aloud.

He did want to run.

He mourned his old life of freedom.

Sometimes he even hated his responsibilities.

Sometimes he was angry with his parents for abandoning him.

Sometimes that sight of his brothers filled him with such anger.

He walked away from the barn wishing he could move away from his own dark thoughts; his own dark heart. He crossed the yard and climbed the stairs, checking to make sure his brothers were asleep; checking to make sure Ford was warm. Ford rolled over in sleep, and opened his eyes for the briefest of moments.

"Adam," He whispered softly, a smile passing over his face before he drifted back to sleep.

A wave of love swept over Adam, and it was as though he were at sea, tossed back and forth between the waves of love and contentment, and those of despair and anger.

He went to his room, and put a blanket back over Guthrie who always kicked them off. He sat down on the window seat looking out over the ranch; his father's ranch. In the darkness of the night, the ranch's outlines were beautiful dark blue, and deep purple lines that extended to the horizon. In the darkness, you could see the details; the pens, fences, and corrals that made up the Circle Bar M. You couldn't see his mother's roses, or garden that his younger brother's faithfully tended. You couldn't see all the places that he walked beside his father; always looking up and listening.

He sighed. It had been such a good night. He'd been so proud of Crane, and it was such a beautiful celebration of Ford restored to them. It seemed that every time they had a good day, it would stir up old memories in one of them, and underneath the happiness and joy would be a well of anguish. He was angry with Brian. He had wanted to lay his head down, and sleep peacefully for once; just for once. And now he couldn't sleep at all, too burdened with the guilt and pain of knowing that sometimes he resented his brothers and his responsibilities.

_Damn it!_

Brian was sleeping peacefully, passed out. He'd remember little of what he'd said - or at least he'd pretend not to remember. But his words would hang over Adam like a cloud for days and days to come. He was sick of it! Sick of dark feelings that swirled inside and made him feel more alone than ever. A lost boy with no one at all. Brian wasn't just his right hand man - he was his right hand. He could never keep the ranch going and take care of his brothers too. And no one understood it all better than Brian - because it was something the two of them went through together.

He leaned against the wall and glanced around the disaster that was their bedroom. The twin beds parallel to each other with Guthrie's little bed in between. Guthrie sighed in his sleep. The sound of his deep contentment diffused some of Adam's anger. He stood looking down at his littlest responsibility with a quick glance at the clock. Guthrie would wake up in a few hours; crying. From the day that they had laid their parents to rest, Guthrie had begun waking up every night. He used to awaken crying out, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" His broken-hearted cries, shattering his older brothers. Over time, he had stopped asking for her. He usually woke sobbing and calling out for Adam. Although, no longer hearing him beg for his mother was less painful, the fact that Guthrie had resigned himself to a life without her was a deep wound in itself.

He sat on the side of his bed, studying his little brother. What would he know of his parents? What would he understand of what it meant to be a McFadden? He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Adam wasn't a man to sit and brood. He was a problem-solver; a fixer; a doer. The trouble with the anguish that he and Brian faced was the helplessness. A life of being forced to accept whatever comes your way, and have no say in any of it.

He walked across the room and began to dig through the piles of stuff on the desk, until he found a pen and paper.

Adam McFadden, Jr. wasn't a victim and neither was Brian Jacob McFadden. They were men of action and even if they couldn't change their circumstances, they could change how they felt about them. He sat down at the window seat and began to sketch. It was time to do something different; it was time for something new; a symbol that would show their were helpless, orphan boys no more.

_Author's Note:_

_I had been meaning to mention that I created the character of the teacher, Esther Simmons in honor of all the really great teachers out there. I've taught with both kinds of teachers Jacobs and Simmons, and in my experience there are more of Simmons than there are of Jacobs - thank God! You need at least three Simmons to undo the damage of one Jacobs! I know lots and lots of teachers who go out of their way to make sure that their students receive the love and care they need - even buying a lighter on their way to school in the morning just to show a student that they are safe at last._

_As to this chapter, I just want to say that I adore all the McFadden boys. As you know Adam is probably my favorite, but I have come to have a deep appreciation for the complexities that make up Brian. He has a moody, darkness and wildness, that Adam cannot afford to ever indulge in. He was the eternal sidekick - working just as hard as Adam, giving up just as much, but rarely thanked or even mentioned. It truly is too bad that there were just those few episodes because despite the corniness and the singing, they created some pretty complicated characters. It would have been interesting to see them develop more._


	14. Chapter 14

Marlene stood in the front room with Guthrie in her arms. She kissed the four year old's cheek again. A kiss that Guthrie promptly wiped off.

"'Nough kisses, Auntie 'Lene." He said disdainfully.

"No, never enough! Auntie Marlene is leaving and won't see you for awhile. I have to get my kisses now." She told him.

Guthrie considered this thoughtfully, and then stuck his chin out and said generously, "One more."

His brothers laughed as he was smothered in kisses by Marlene, who then reluctantly set him down. He ran to Adam and locked his fingers around his older brother's leg.

"Auntie 'Lene is leaving." He said looking up into his older brother's face.

"Yes. She is going back to her own family now." Adam said nodding at him.

"You are my own family." She corrected Adam.

"I know that." He said shaking his head at her. "Fellas, you all better say thank you."

"Thank you for all the food you left." Evan said squeezing her. "I mean it, Marlene. Thank you from the bottom of my heart."

"Hey!" Brian said irritated.

"You are welcome, Evan." She kissed him and then crossed to Ford. "You stay healthy, young man. And if you start to feel sick, make sure you tell Brian or Adam, right away." She reached out holding his chin in her long fingers. "No more nonsense, mister."

"Yes, ma'am." Ford said with a grin.

"That's better then." She kissed him.

"Thanks for coming, Marlene." Crane said.

"It was so good to see you boys." She told him. "I can't believe how tall you are!" She looked up into Crane's eyes. "You'll be grown like those two in no time."

"We'll miss you." Crane said and hugging her, he lifted her off the ground.

She glanced around, and sighing said, "Daniel Robert, are you gonna hide and not say good-bye? Don't be mean."

"I'm not mean." Danny said stepping out from where he'd been half-hidden behind the piano. "People who leave are mean."

"Danny!" Adam said sharply. "Marlene has her own life."

"That's alright, Adam." She waved her hand at him, and then turning to Danny knelt down. "I suppose you are right. I am just about the meanest person you know."

"It's true," He said stubbornly.

"I know." She agreed with a grin. "Have you decided to hate me, then?"

"I don't know about that." He said indifferently.

"Well, there's hope then." She smiled at him, and stretching forward pulled him into an embrace. "You are such a good boy, Danny. I'm so proud of you." She said kissing the top of his head.

They all stepped out onto the wide porch together. Mike hugged each of the boys, and then Crane and Danny helped him load suitcases into the car. The younger boys stood on the porch watching as Adam and Brian walked Marlene to the car.

"You boys call me if you need me. And you don't have to wait for something dramatic like near-death. You can call me just if you are lonesome for old Auntie Marlene."

"Danny will call you every day then." Brian said laughing.

"Go easy on him, Brian. He's just . . ." She said gently.

"I know." Brian nodded.

She reached out laying a hand on the side of Brian's face. "I don't know how you boys have managed it. They'd be so proud of you. All of them, are doing so well. Look at how happy Guthrie is!" She rubbed the side of Brian's face and kissed him. "You are doing a great job."

"Th . . . thanks, Marlene." Brian stuttered awkwardly. He kissed her cheek, and with a quick wave to Mike who waited patiently in the car, he strode quickly away, disappearing into the barn.

Marlene turned to Adam. "He'll never go see that doctor of yours will he?"

"No." Adam sighed.

"You've got to . . ." She paused considering him for a minute. "Seems like all anyone does is give you something else to be responsible for.

"It's kind of my job." Adam shrugged.

"No, it was _their_ job." She sighed. "He's not handling it as well as he pretends, you know that don't you?"

"Yes."

"Neither are you for that matter, but at least you were willing to talk to that lady. You'd go back if you felt like you were headed for real trouble, wouldn't you? For their sake?" Nodding, she indicated his brothers who were gathered on the porch.

"Yes, ma'am. I promise it." He sighed. "And as for Brian . . .well, time will tell. I imagine if things get bad, we'll see it."

"Things are bad, hon." She reached out and hugged Adam to her. "But one thing I know, McFaddens can manage bad."

"As long as you got a brother by your side, you can manage most things." He said with a grin.

"Now, you sound just like her." She smiled up at him with tears in her eyes.

"Good." He said. "Now, go on back to your life - we've taken up enough of your time."

"Oh, Adam! You don't really think that? Promise me you are just teasing me again! I love you boys so!"

"Well, you dropped everything ten minutes after the phone rang and drove three hours straight to spend three weeks, cooking and cleaning up after some of the messiest cowboys the world has ever known, so I'm pretty clear on how you feel about us."

"Good." She hugged him again.

He held open the door as she sat down in the car. "Get her out of here, Mike." Adam said.

"Listen Adam," She said leaning out the window. "Nancy Hopkins has a daughter and I heard that she just broke up with her boyfriend. Now, she may not look like one of those models, but she's a pretty girl and a hard worker . . ."

"Marlene . . " Mike said shaking his head.

"Marlene, I don't take your advice! You know that." Adam said laughing.

"I just think . . ." She sighed. "And one more thing . . ."

Both Adam and Mike moaned.

"Marlene! It'll be midnight with your 'one more things . . ." Mike said.

"Midnight!" Adam sputtered. "More like four in the morning!"

"No, I'm just saying, if you take ten minutes and just wipe the counter clean when you are in the bathroom. I told the boys - just keep a cloth handy and wipe everything down; it will stay clean."

"We'll keep it in mind." Adam laughed. "Thanks for coming, Marlene. You can't know how much you help."

"Oh, I miss you boys."

"We love you." Adam said closing the door. "Even cantankerous Danny, we love you right down to the bottom of our boots."

"We love you too, Junior." Mike said taking Marlene's hand when he saw that she had begun to cry. "You call us, and we'll come running."

"I know it." Adam said and stepped aside as the car began to roll down the driveway.

Suddenly, Danny burst forward, running down the steps and chasing down the car that was slowly moving down the driveway. He waved his arms frantically, until, Mike saw and stopped the car. Danny ran, and stood beside the car, rubbing the toe of his boot in the dust.

Adam had jogged up and stood about ten feet back watching and waiting for his little brother.

"You want one more kiss?" Marlene asked leaning out the window of the car.

Danny shrugged, and Marlene laughed.

"Come here." She said and he moved closer to the window so that she could kiss him on his cheek. "You call anytime you want. Adam will let you."

"Yes ma'am." He said softly. "Bye Marlene."

"Bye Danny Boy. You be sweet."

"I haven't been yet, why would I start now?" He grinned at her.

"Don't mess with tradition." She agreed smiling up at him, a hand on the side of his cheek. She kissed him once more and then with a nod, pulled her arm back inside the car. The car moved slowly forward and Adam stepped close and put an arm around Danny. He felt Danny's tense shoulders. He looked down at his brother.

"Say it, little man. She'll hear it." He told him.

Danny took a step forward, and lifting a cupped-hand to the side of his mouth shouted, "I love you, Marlene!"

They watched as she turned in her seat and lifted a hand out the window waving. Danny waved back, and then turned to run into the waiting embrace of his older brother.

***7***

"Well, I guess it's back to normal." Brian said seeing Adam step into the barn.

"We don't really have normal, do we?" Adam asked with a grin. "Look Brian . . ."

"I don't want to talk about it." Brian said. "It was stupid. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't drink like that."

"I don't care about the drinking . . ." Adam began. "Well, I do care about the drinking but not like you think. I don't want you thinking . . ."

"I said I didn't want to talk about it!" Brian's voice rose in anger.

"You can't ignore . . ." But before he could finish his sentence, Brian had reached out with both arms, and pushed him hard, so that he fell down to the ground. Adam lay in the dust, shocked as he watched Brian storm away.

***7***

"I'm not sleepy, Adam." Ford whined.

"Well, if you don't go to bed now, you will be sleepy all day tomorrow." He told his little brother. "Now, all of you. Bed."

He watched as Evan, Ford and Danny reluctantly climbed the stairs like doomed men heading to the gallows. He shook his head chuckling, happy that things were back to normal. He crossed through to the kitchen where Crane sat at the table studying. He looked down at Crane's neat writing.

"History?" He asked.

"They call it Social Studies now." Crane said with a shrug.

"Looks the same to me." Adam sighed restlessly.

"You and Brian have a fight?" Crane asked looking up.

"Not exactly." Adam said. "You seen him?"

"He was out fixing that shed." Crane said. "It's all right, Adam. You know Brian."

"I do." Adam studied his brother. "You grew up awful fast."

"So did you."

"It must be a family thing." Adam said grinning. He reached out and ran a hand through Crane's hair. "Don't stay up too late, huh?"

He climbed the stairs and went into Ford and Evan's room. He tucked his brothers into their beds.

"Adam?" Evan asked.

"Yeah?"

"Ford doesn't have his appendix anymore?" Evan sat up on his elbows and looked at Adam with wide eyes.

"No. It was sick, so they took it out."

"Will my appendix make me sick?" Evan asked.

'Oh, good Lord, I hope not." Adam said wearily. He kissed his little brothers and then went in to check on Danny.

"Night, partner." He said leaning in the doorway.

"Night Adam." Danny said softly in the dark night.

"I'm proud of you."

"For saying good night?" Danny's voice held surprise.

"That and saying other things." He laughed. "I love you, Danny. Sleep tight."

"You too."

He closed the door and went back downstairs to find Brian sitting on the couch, polishing his boots.

"Hungry?" Adam asked. "We saved you some dinner."

"Nah." Brian said. "Got that shed fixed."

"Thanks. I was gonna work on it tomorrow."

"Now, you don't have to." Brian said gruffly.

"Brian . . ."

"Adam, don't start." Brian looked up and locked eyes with Adam.

"No, I have something I want to show you." Adam said, and turning he went to the desk, and brought a paper to Brian.

"I've been thinking and thinking about things you said to me." Brian looked up sharply, and opened his mouth to protest, but Adam continued. "No, I know. Even if _you_ don't remember what you said, I do. And you . . . well, it's not like you are telling lies."

"Don't . . . don't . . ." Brian's voice was soft and pleading.

"No, I think it's time, we changed some things around here, starting with this." He put the paper in Brian's hands. "It isn't his any more. It's ours, and it's time we let people know it."

Brian looked at the paper in his hands, and then surprised Adam, by reaching out, and grabbing onto Adam's hand.

"I'm grateful, too, Adam. Those things I said? Well they aren't the _only_ feelings I have."

"I know that." Adam squeezed Brian's hand. "You aren't wrong to feel like . . ." He struggled trying to find the best way to express himself. "People can be pretty stupid sometimes."

"Yeah." Brian sighed and releasing Adam's hand looked back down at the paper. "Circle Bar Seven? I like it."

"It is _our_ brand." Adam said seriously.

"Ours." Brian agreed. "Thanks, Adam." Brian said as Adam stepped away and sat down in the big chair. "I won't drink like that again . . .it was just. It was too much, you know?"

Adam nodded as Brian continued.

"I mean I was terrified that whole time. Ford was so . . .and then being in that church with the whole town there - it was too familiar." He shook his head.

"Sometimes the pain is too much." Adam agreed.

"This pain isn't yours alone." Crane said, and his older brothers turned their heads surprised to see him standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the front room. "That's what Marlene told me."

"I thought you went upstairs." Brian said shocked.

"It isn't just your pain, Brian." Crane continued, ignoring his brother's attempt to change the subject. "We all feel it, but not just us. It belongs to the whole town - and even further to people like Mike and Marlene who've left. It belongs to all of us."

"Crane . . ." Brian rose up awkwardly.

"He's right, Bri." Adam said gently. "You aren't alone, even if it feels that way."

"I know." Brian said softly, his shoulders slumped inward, his head down. Adam watched amazed as Crane went to him, and wrapped his arms around his older brother.

"Mom and Dad, didn't belong to us alone, and we, we don't belong to just ourselves. You belong to me, and when you are hurt, I hurt too."

Brian buried his face in Crane's shoulder then, his own shoulders shaking. Adam stood watching, unable to speak; unable to breathe, completely amazed.

"Get over here." Brian called to him with one arm outstretched and Adam found himself swallowed up in an embrace with his brothers.

***7***

Restless, Crane McFadden found sleep impossible, and instead of going to bed, went out into the dark night. He stepped out into the deep starlight gazing up into the night sky. He was overwhelmed. "This pain, isn't yours alone." The words still echoed in his mind; it rolled around in all the empty places in his heart. The words were part of a chant; a prayer that seemed to restore him. He turned at the sound of the squeak of the front door and saw Adam come out to him.

"You okay?" Adam asked.

"Yes. I just couldn't sleep." He looked at Adam's face. "Guthrie wake up?"

"He's asleep again." Adam rubbed the back of his neck.

"You think he'll ever stop?"

"Sometimes I wish so, but then I think does that mean he's forgotten her completely?" Adam sighed. "You sure did good tonight. I can't always find a way to help everyone."

"You don't have to, Adam." Crane said his eyebrows raised in surprise that his oldest brother still didn't quite understand. "You weren't left alone, either." He studied Adam thoughtfully. "We help each other; brothers first."

"Brothers first." Adam repeated, and hugged Crane to him. "Go to bed. You've got school in the morning."

"Yes, _Sir_." Crane said laughing, and then climbed up the steps on long legs.

Adam watched him disappear into the house, and turned back to look at all the lands that made up the Circle Bar Seven. Maybe his life had been shattered; his loving parents ripped from his life, but Crane was right, he hadn't been left completely abandoned. He had six brothers at his side; each one strong, loving, loyal. And as if his brothers weren't support enough, he had all the good people who had known and loved his parents. He remembered briefly the old ache and longing to travel far and leave this small dot on the map. Just three years later, the tiny world that he had held in such disdain was everything to him. It was the very center of his bruised and battered, but strongly-beating heart.

_***7***_

_Author's Note: It always bothered me that the ranch was named the Circle Bar Seven. How did they know they would have seven sons? If the parents died about ten years ago == that would make Guthrie two or three. Did they move to the ranch when Guthrie was a baby, name it Circle Bar Seven and then get killed?_

_ I sort of assumed they'd had the ranch for quite awhile before they died - otherwise how would Brian and Adam know so much about ranching? Anyway, to make up for this - in some of my stories, I've written that it was named Circle Bar M, and later Adam and Brian changed it to Circle Bar 7. _


	15. Chapter 15

Brian McFadden pulled back on the reins and brought his horse to a stop at the rise of the ridge. Looking ahead he could see the miles and miles that had belonged to his family since his great-grandfather had turned to his wife and said, "This looks like a pretty spot." Turning his horse around he could make out the faint outlines of the buildings in the far distance; barns, sheds, corrals, house.

His prison.

Adam had accepted the dramatic change their lives had taken in good stride. If he was bitter and angry over all his plans being tossed aside so he could spend his days wiping Guthrie's nose, he gave no indication of it. Of course, he should have expected that. Adam was damn near perfect; steady, trustworthy, forthright, loyal, determined, hard-working, good student, good athlete, good son.

Brian was none of those things - despite Adam's arguments to the contrary.

It would be an understatement of vast proportions to say he was angry about his life being hijacked. He was filled with a constant and deadly rage. He loved his brothers. He loved them completely but he was too damn young to be a father - actually mother. Somehow when they split the roles it was Brian who had ended up cooking, or trying to and he was the one, more often than not, packing lunches, checking homework, and making sure his brothers' shirts were clean - or mostly clean. It was a role that he took on begrudgingly and secretly, or not so secretly, hated. He tried to keep his anger and frustration buried deep, but the fear of it surfacing hung over him like a cloud.

It eked out in small ways - his quick temper and instant willingness to brawl over the smallest things. He felt such a tremendous relief when he could sink his fists into someone - as if in hitting them, he was striking down death itself.

He had loved his parents and looked up to his father in awe. Adam Jackson McFadden, Jr., was well- named. He was his father's mirror. Whatever impressive qualities his older brother possessed, they paled in comparison to the original Adam Jackson McFadden. Just barely sixteen when his father was taken from him, Brian had felt awkward and unsure around his capable father. Adam Jr.'s shadow loomed over him at every turn, and he wished that he had felt confident and capable under his father's gaze just once, before he'd been taken from him.

His father had been loving, kind and rich with praise - often telling Brian, "Don't try so hard, Bri. You got your own way of doing things. Junior is Junior, and you are you."

But still he wished his father could see him confidently riding herd now. Sometimes he believe that his father was looking down on him; guiding him. Other times he believed nothing at all; just that he was alone and his parents forever lost. Mostly, he fought to keep his pain and frustration at bay.

If Guthrie was the symbol to the town of the helplessness of the McFadden brothers, then Adam was the face of their strength - leaving Brian completely out of the picture. All the newspaper articles and letters to the editor spoke of Adam's sacrifice; Adam's endurance; Adam's bravery.

It wasn't like Brian was needing to be thanked or admired; it just emphasized something he had always felt - less than his older brother.

He sighed, remembering the deep comfort embrace of his younger brother, Crane. Crane was right, the pain of this loss didn't belong just to them. So many others in this small town were deeply impacted by the loss of Adam and Kate McFadden. But the comfort in that did nothing to change the fact that he was a young man trapped with an old man's responsibilities. There was no end in sight, either. He had hopes that Adam would marry someday, and he could slip away; free at last. But Adam seemed to bury even that part of his life. He never went out. Hardly even flirted. Leaving Brian to be forever saddled as his "wife".

He looked back at the house, and could easily imagine what was happening just now - because the pattern never changed. Chores, homework, dinner, chores, bed, chores, homework, dinner, chores bed, chores, homework, dinner, chores bed. Over and over and over, until he was dead.

And so, he escaped when he could - into town, into bars, into a bottle, into brawls, into the open arms of women his father would never approve of, and he would be ashamed to introduce to his mother. He was not a saint like Adam. He was not like Adam at all. Part of him understood that all of this was very dangerous and he was walking at the very edge of a precipice, but the other part didn't really give a damn. He was too broken, too wounded, too lost.

He took comfort in his brothers and in his ability to manage his father's ranch - his own ranch. Circle Bar _Seven_. He appreciated Adam's efforts to make him feel his equal, but looking at it in the cold light of day he recognized there was only one person who could really make him feel Adam's equal, and he had been laid in the cold ground nearly three years ago now.

He clicked his heels, pushing his horse back to the ranch, realizing if he didn't come back soon, his brothers would worry. No matter how trapped he felt; no matter how angry; no matter how depressed, his brothers didn't deserve unnecessary worry.

_Are you happy, Bri?_

Adam's words had cut into him like a knife. Happy? He stopped thinking about happy long ago. He enjoyed himself from time to time, but mostly he endured. He wasn't happy. He couldn't remember what happy felt like.

He rode home, but felt no pleasure in the bright lights of home. He could see his brothers through the big picture window, Adam standing beside his younger brothers working at the table. He leaned over, helping Evan with his work. Brian dismounted and led his horse into the barn. He took his time putting his saddle away. He was cleaning his tack, when Adam stepped into the barn.

"You missed dinner again." Adam said leaning against the barn wall and watching his younger brother.

"Sorry. Crane said he could handle it, so I just . . ." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Adam. I just . . ."

"The boys have three days off next week." Adam said, changing the subject abruptly.

"Why?" Brian asked.

"There's a leak in the roof at school and they gotta fix it." Adam hesitated. "So, if you wanted to, you could take off for a bit."

"What?" Brian looked up sharply at his older brother. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying. You got friends over in Sonora; friends all the way over in San Francisco. Or maybe you just want to wander off and see where the road takes you."

"What the hell?" Brian said angrily. "What are you thinking? I'm just gonna abandon the boys? Abandon you? I get it. I'm just a big screw up! Of course, Brian would take off!"

"You know the only person who puts you in the role of the bad guy is you." Adam said calmly. "I'm just saying . . .God, Brian. Give yourself a damn break! I'm trying to give you a damn break!"

"And what about you?"

"What about me?" Adam asked.

"When do you get a break?"

"When I'm thirty-three." Adam said in a calm voice. "Guthrie will be eighteen." He grinned at Brian.

"Adam . . ."

"Brian . . ." Adam shook his head at Brian, putting an arm around his neck and pulling him into a headlock. "Take some time off. Your nerves are shot. You gotta get away. We've had a pretty rough month. Hang out with your friends. Act your age for once." He pushed his brother away gently.

"How can I possible do that?"

"Oh, I think you can manage it. I'm pretty confident that you can accomplish just about anything." Adam said seriously.

"You don't have to . . . I can hang in." Brian hung his head guilty.

"Lord, that's the one thing that it is a sure as the earth beneath my feet." Adam said meeting Brian's eyes. "If it were possible wouldn't you want me to take a break?"

"Hell, yeah." Brian's response was immediate.

"Well?"

"I'll think about it." Brian said after a time.

"You do that. I'll help you pack." Adam put an arm around Brian's shoulders, and they walked from the barn to the house together. "Listen, though, you get arrested and we aren't bailing you out."

Brian laughed.

"No, I'm serious. We can't afford it. We _can't_ bail you out."

***7***

"When's Brian coming home?" Daniel whined.

"When he comes home." Adam said patiently as he set a plate of corn on the table.

"When?" Danny said again.

"Danny . . ." Adam sighed. "Brian's allowed a vacation. You've got a vacation from school."

"And I'm home."

"Do you just enjoy being difficult?" Adam asked frustrated.

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind." Adam glanced over at Crane who was laughing while wiping Guthrie's face which was covered in mashed potatoes.

"Ford?" Crane asked. "Why aren't you eating?"

"I'm not really hungry." Ford said softly.

"You feeling sick?" Adam asked feeling an unreasonable fear at the familiarity of this conversation.

"No." Ford's response was barely audible.

"Ford Michael!" Adam warned.

"I just . . ." He looked up nervously. "I got used to the way Brian burns things. This isn't burnt."

Crane burst out laughing and Adam shook his head as he sat down.

"You are the craziest bunch of cowboys!" Adam said. "Now, eat up fellas, and it is milkshake and movie night!"

The younger brothers cheered and Adam winked at Crane who smiled at his little brothers.

"If we can't have Brian there is always ice cream." Crane said cheerfully.

"Brian will come home, Crane. He'll call and tell us when." Adam said trying to sound confident.

"I hope he calls soon or Danny's gonna drive us all crazy." Crane said meeting Adam's eyes across the long table.

***7***

It was good that they had set aside time to repair the leaky roof at the school because on the day school resumed it was pouring down rain. In fact, it rained for three days straight. Adam was somewhat surprised that he hadn't heard from Brian. However, he didn't start getting nervous until Brian had been gone for two weeks. He was running out of excuses to tell Danny, Evan and Ford who asked daily when their brother would be back.

The worst was when Guthrie would wake up at night asking for Brian. It was like a second round listening to his little brother call out his brother's name, only to hear silence in response. Adam had understood that sending Brian out was necessary. He could see his brother was falling apart, but he never, not for a second believed that Brian would disappear for good. Brian struggled in his role as caretaker, but he was a McFadden - a man fully committed to his family. Only now it seemed like maybe he had taken off. In the whole time he'd been gone, there had only been one phone call. He'd been gone three days when Crane answered the phone, surprised to hear Brian's voice.

"Hey kid!" Brian said. "How's old Adam holding up?" But Brian had given no indication of when he would return.

Adam sat on the porch nursing a beer, and feeling utterly alone. Brian had been by his side since the day they'd laid their parents to rest. He understood that Brian was unhappy. He understood that Brian longed for freedom - hell, he longed for it himself, but with their brothers in the balance he knew what choice he had to make and he had made it. He'd even made a kind of peace with his life. He accepted that everything _he_ wanted and hoped for was on hold until he was thirty-three. He wasn't kidding when he told Brian that. He had done the math the very first night while waiting in the emergency room for his brothers to arrive. He had a job to do, and he would be on that job for the next sixteen years. He was realistic. He understood that by the time thirty-three rolled around, he'd probably be really set in his ways, and locked into his life, but still he could dream. His imagination was full of . . . actually when he tried to think of a different life than the one he was living, he was hard-pressed to come up with anything. His friends had all left and gone to school, and he couldn't relate to their lives at all. They seemed slow-moving and lazy. No, he couldn't picture a life away from the Circle Bar 7 any more, it was a dream that had slowly faded away. The only dream he had left was a ridiculous one that he never breathed to anyone at all - not even Dr. Richards who had relentlessly pushed him to face his past and his pain. He remembered listening to his parents laughing together in the evenings or watching his mother rest her head contentedly on his father's shoulder - like two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. He wanted to have someone at his side; a hand to hold - a bright eye to catch from across the room. He longed for someone to spill his secrets too late at night as he held her close to his chest. He sighed thinking how ridiculous and unfair it would be to ask some poor helpless, beautiful girl to spend her days and nights isolated on a ranch surrounded by his loud, smelly, wild brothers.

The sound of the phone ringing startled him. The phone almost never rang, he rushed inside hoping it was Brian.

"Adam?" Marlene's voice held tension.

"Marlene! You missing us too much?" Adam asked teasing.

"Adam! Can you please explain to me why your brother is sleeping in my guest room right now?"

"Brian! He's there!" Adam left a long sigh of relief.

"He showed up about an hour ago, and would hardly say a word. He looks terrible! He's skinny, hungry and has the most ridiculous beard. Did you boys get in a fight?"

"No. I just . . . I let him take a break. I told him he could take off for a week, and he sort of disappeared for . . ."

"Junior! Why didn't you _call _ me?" Marlene was angry.

"Well, hell, Marlene! What were you going to do? Drive him?"

"Adam McFadden, Jr., don't you curse! No, I told you to call me if things got bad! You _promised_."

"Things didn't get bad." Adam's voice was filled with frustration. "I sent him out _before_ things got bad. I just thought he needed some time away. He's been so uptight since Ford got sick. Things have been so stressful. He's nineteen for God's sake! I thought he could have some time to act like it."

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"Marlene?"

Still no response.

"I'm sorry for cursing." His voice was soft.

"It isn't that Junior, I was just thinking." She sighed. "It was a good idea, but . . ."

"But what?"

"Well, he's lived in your shadow his whole life, Junior."

"That's nonsense. Dad never . . ."

"It doesn't matter what your father did, it's him. Brian feels that way."

"I can't do anything about that." Adam sighed.

"You are naturally good at everything." She explained.

"That isn't true."

"Yes, it is. School, sports, the ranch. Everything. I wouldn't want to be your younger brother."

"Thanks, that's really nice, Marlene. I forgot how much I missed you."

She laughed. "Adam, don't get your feelings hurt. You can't help it. And the way you managed taking over everything - even that. You didn't seem to slow your stride."

"Things aren't always the way the seem." He said seriously.

"I know that, Adam. I know that!" She said quickly. "But I don't think Brian does."

There was a long silence between as Adam thought about it.

"I'm pretty crappy at communicating." He offered.

"You are!" She said brightly. "And you aren't too good at moderation. You don't seem to manage balancing your personal life with taking care of your brothers."

"I don't have a personal life."

"My point exactly."

"Well, see," He said cheerfully. "I'm overflowing with flaws."

"Maybe you should let Brian know that, Junior." She said gently.

Adam nodded even though he knew Marlene couldn't see him. She was right, he should have called her weeks ago. That was the thing about Marlene, she was so gentle, and never pushed. She understood that he and Brian had to manage somehow to find their own way. She could dictate their life to them. She had been a quiet steady guide, who would make gentle observations or suggestions from time to time.

"Marlene," He began trying to figure out a way to express to her, how much he appreciated her; how much she was still a good friend to their mother - taking care of her boys when she couldn't. "You are such a good friend to her."

"Oh." She said and he could picture her, chewing at the corner of her lip, and brushing tears out of her bright blue eyes. "I don't know, Adam. Seems you communicate just fine."

"Once in awhile, and mostly by accident." He said laughing. "Listen, could you tell Brian that we miss him, and want him to come home. Tell him I need him."

"I will. Do you promise to call me and tell me how it all plays out?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good because I've got my granddaughter coming next week, and I don't want to have to throw her in the car to drag her to Murphys just because you are too stubborn to call me."

"Marlene, I love you." Adam said laughing.

"Too bad, I'm not nineteen." She teased him.

"Too bad." He agreed.

***7***

Brian climbed down the steps from the bus and found himself loose on the streets of Sonora. He shifted his backpack, and glanced around. He ought to call the house. Adam would drive out and get him. He pictured his little brothers begging to ride along, but Adam shaking his head. It was impossible to take them all without making some ride in the back of the truck, and Adam hated to do that on long trips. Adam was intensely nervous about car safety.

He began to walk through the familiar streets of Sonora; the big city. He laughed thinking about how he had always thought of Sonora - until he had spent a few days in San Francisco. Now, that was a big town! He glanced at the sky recognizing that they had rolled into town at about 9:00 a.m. It would take him until about supper time to walk to Murphys and then out to the ranch - unless he caught a ride. The sky was bright and blue, so he didn't worry about rain. The walk would do him good. He could sort out his thoughts. The last three weeks had been intense and he had lots to think about.

He turned his feets toward the Circle Bar Seven; toward home.


	16. Chapter 16

Brian avoided Main Street and downtown Murphys. He didn't want to have someone from town to be the first person who saw him. The walk had taken him longer than he expected and it was already after six by the time he hit the outskirts of town. He figured he'd be home by seven; homework hour.

He came up through the south pasture and was pleased to see the stock seemed healthy. There was just one heifer in the isolation paddock. He patted the heifer's rump affectionately and was rewarded with a disgruntled lowing. As he came up on the barn, he found Adam just outside repairing a hinge on the barn door.

"How do pard?" He said and Adam turned startled.

"Brian!" Adam rose and embraced him. "Good God! Didn't you eat? Marlene was right! You are skinny as hell!"

Brian waved a hand absently.

"Why didn't ya call? I would've picked you up! Did you walk from the station?"

"I got used to walking. 'Sides I was nervous about your temper." He studied the ground beneath his worn boots. "I was gone too long."

"Oh! I am so happy to see you! I don't even care! Remind me to be mad at you later." He hugged Brian to him. "Come on! Danny's been going nuts. Come see the boys!"

"Don't you wanna know where I . . ."

"Later." Adam interrupted. "I'm just so glad you are here! I've missed you, brother and the little guys will be so happy!"

Brian felt his eyes well with tears stunned by his brother's joy at seeing him. Adam had a wicked and unpredictable temper. You could never tell what would set him off, and then sometimes, with no warning at all, he was patient and generous. He sniffed, embarrassed and ducked his head.

"Come on man!" Adam said wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He led him toward the bright lights of home. Brian managed to get his emotions in check and glanced up at Adam's face, amazed to see a tear still shimmering on Adam's cheek.

***7***

Brian felt woozy from a full meal. He sat on the couch and his younger brothers vied for a spot on his lap. In the end, Guthrie and Ford won out, leaving Evan sitting beside him.

"Get over here." He said to Danny who hesitated shyly. He plopped beside Brian, lifting his older brother's arm and wrapping it around himself.

"We missed you Brian!" Danny said. "Guthrie was pretty worried."

"He was, huh?" He kissed Guthrie's cheek. "Sorry little Buckaroo." He winked at Adam knowing full well it was Danny who had been worried. "You told him that of course I'd come back, didn't you Dan'l?"

"Yes. But he was nervous just the same."

Brian squeezed Danny's shoulder. "He's my brother. I'd never leave my brothers."

"You did." Evan said accusingly.

"Only temporarily." Brian corrected rubbing Evan's shoulder. "And I'm sorry about it, too. I'm hoping you boys can forgive me."

"Where did ya go?" Ford asked.

"Lots of places. I was at Marlene's and she says hello to all of you. She also wants to remind you to wash your ears, and for pity sake, clean the bathroom."

"She's obsessed with that bathroom." Crane said laughing. "She's desperate to keep us all clean!"

"Marlene's a pain in the ass about cleaning." Danny said.

"Daniel Robert!" Adam warned. "You watch your mouth!"

"What?" He looked up with wide, innocent eyes - a trick that often worked for him.

"Don't try it, little brother. Adam won't buy it." Brian told him. "Sides Dad would kick your ass if he heard you talk like that in your mama's living room."

"'A cowboy never curses where ladies curtsy!'" Both Crane and Adam chanted in unison.

"What?" Evan looked up surprised.

"Daddy used to say that to us when we were out on roundup." Crane explained. "It means don't curse in front of mama."

"No, chance of that!" Danny scoffed.

"Watch it, Dan'l." Brian said looking down at his brother. "She's probably hovering over your left shoulder. If it rains tomorrow, you'll know it was because you were cursing!" He glanced at the window suppressing a grin as he saw the storm clouds rolling in. Danny would get the scare of his life tomorrow.

"You boys, better get to bed. It's late." Adam said as his brothers all groaned.

"I wanna hear about Brian's trip!" Danny protested. "He hasn't told us _anything_!"

"Tomorrow, sport." Brian said.

"I'll tuck Guthrie in." Crane said giving Brian a wink.

"Thanks Crane." Brian said self-consciously, but gratefully that his younger brother was wise beyond his years. Crane had the best sense of the people around them and what they needed. Adam leaned against the mantle as they watched the brothers troop upstairs.

"They missed you so much, Brian." Adam said studying him. "You can't disappear like that. That's not what I meant when I sent you out."

"I know." Brian's voice was quiet and he studied the tips of his boots for a long minute. Finally, he looked up, meeting Adam's dark eyes. "You remembering your temper now?"

"A little." Adam sighed and sat down on the edge of the coffee table across from Brian. "Mostly I'm grateful. I meant what I said Brian, I am so relieved you are back. I can't . . ." He swallowed hard. "I can't do this without you."

Brian sat back surprised. He leaned his head back against the pillow on the couch staring up at the ceiling. He could still see the stain from the time his chlorophyll experiment went haywire, and the green shot up to the ceiling, staining it permanently.

"I went to see Josh. He's at CSU, SF. He lives in the dorms still, and parties at least four nights a week. I stayed with him for six days, I think."

"What did you think of college life?" Adam asked curiously.

"It reminded me how much I hated school." He sat up and looked at Adam. "San Francisco is so big! I thought Sonora or Fresno were big, but that place is packed with people. You can't even walk down the street without bumping into people. You'd really hate it."

"I went with dad to LA once, remember?"

"I forgot about that!" Brian said remembering the intense jealousy he'd felt when his father had taken Adam and not him.

"I remember standing on the sidewalk next to him, holding his hand and looking around bewildered by it all. He looked down at me and said, 'This is why your mama and I live where we live. We wanted you to have more than concrete under your feet.'"

He smiled at the memory of standing beside his tall father, his fingers wrapped in his hand.

"After that, I sort of just wandered. I caught the first bus available and wound up near Fort Bragg. It's by the ocean and gets so foggy at night. It was really pretty. There were all kinds of campgrounds, and I just sort of hung around. I can't even say I spent my days thinking. I just sort of lived each day - watching the sunrise and later watching it set. But after awhile it got cold, and I was hungry so I decided to stop in and see Mike and Marlene. I don't know why. I guess maybe she's the only family we got now - 'sides each other."

"You scared her to death, Bri. She called me up and yelled at me!"

"I bet she did. I stayed there three days, and it's funny, I would've expected Marlene to grill me, but she sort of just let me alone. I helped her cook and clean. She taught me some new recipes. She didn't even really talk much. She was so patient. She's so smart, you know?"

"Remember when Mom lost that baby? Between Daniel and Evan?"

Brian nodded remembering how afraid he'd felt seeing his mother cry.

"I was so worried about Mom." Adam continued. "You know, the way she'd do that thing where she acted like she wasn't upset, but you could see she was. I mean just looking at her you could see she was made of glass and ready to shatter at any second. I came home from school and there was Marlene in the kitchen with Mom. They were cooking something, I think. And I could see Marlene's eyes watching Mom - it was like she was just waiting for the right moment. It remind me of roping a calf," He looked up at Brian. "The way you gotta throw the rope at just the right moment. That's what she did to Mom. She let her pretend she was fine, and then at just the right second she said, 'Katie, you've never been a liar before.'" Adam sighed and glanced at Brian. "It stuck in my head because I couldn't believe she was calling Mom a liar, like that!"

"What did Mom do?" Brian was shocked. He thought he'd heard every story they knew about their parents.

"She burst into tears and just fell into Marlene's arms. God! I felt sick to my stomach watching Mama cry like that! But I felt better too. Dad came in then and saw me - probably saw how scared I looked and peeked around to the kitchen, and then he picked me up. I must've been ten or eleven - way too big to be carried, but he picked me up like it was nothing and carried me outside. I was crying like a baby then, so worried, and he said 'Don't you worry about your Mama, Junior. Your Auntie Marlene's about the smartest woman I know - she's damn near as smart as your own sweet, Mama.'"

Brian sighed. "She is smart. I guess maybe that's why I went there." He looked at Adam. "I wish I were as tough as you. I could never go and talk to a doctor like you did. How did you do that? Weren't you scared, Junior?"

"Yeah. I hated it. And don't be impressed, Bri. I didn't really tell her anything. If you called her up on the phone she'd tell you I was her worst case."

"But you went. I couldn't do it." Brian said.

"I had to." Adam said seriously. "Because of Danny."

"That's just what I mean. You are so tough. you'd do anything for them! Give up your life, give up school! Hell, Junior, you don't even date any more! It's like you're some kind of goddam monk!"

"Don't be a jackass! It's not like that at all! You sound like one of those stupid articles in the paper! I'm no saint."

"But you aren't angry! You don't resent it! You are happy, or at least you are content." Brian's voice rose with frustration.

Adam rose and turned away from Brian, leaning against the fireplace mantle. He looked at the family portrait that hung above it. His eyes staring into his mother's. Sighing he turned around to face Brian.

"Remember that time we snuck downstairs?" Adam asked.

"Oh, yeah!" Brian blushed remembering catching his parents locked in an embrace on the sofa. His father's arms wrapped tightly around his mother as they kissed, passionately. Shocked, he and Adam had backed up the stairs and their parents hadn't even noticed them.

"I think about that. Well, not just that, but the way they were always so . . ." He hesitated searching for the right words.

"In love." Brian supplied.

"Yeah. I mean, I think about it now, the way she would look at him. It bugged me so much then; all the kissing and hand-holding. He always had his arms around her. It used to make me so embarrassed. And now, I'm so jealous of it, Brian."

Brian nodded, shrugging. "You are like him, even in that. You are barely twenty years old, and your greatest dream is a wife!" Brian shook his head.

"But it's impossible." Adam sighed. "So it is just easier _not_ to date anyone. I know how it will end. _Six brothers? A ranch? No, thank you!_ It doesn't mean I don't wish . . ."

"I've spent so much time angry." Brian said. "Every day. Mad that I'm stuck here. Mad that I've got no choices. Furious that it will be like this for the rest of my life! I'm so pissed off they left us!" He looked up at Adam with eyes that held such pain, that Adam had to look away. Brian wiped the tears out of his eyes. "I know it is unreasonable, but I am. How could they do that to us? To them?"

"Yeah." Adam's voice was thick with tears.

"And so ticked at you." Brian confessed. "Like it was you that smashed into them or you that had each of those boys. I've been so . . ." He struggled to find a word strong enough to express it. "Enraged."

"I know." Adam said looking down.

"And the fact that you never seemed angry, pissed me off even more! I can't believe you! You are so good! You are such a better man than me."

"No, Brian . . .I"

"You are, Adam. You are so logical. The boys need you. You can't help them if you go to college, so you don't. You stay home. No girl wants to be a mom at nineteen, so you stop dating. It is logical. It makes sense. And wasting time being angry is just that; wasting time. So you move on, and find a way to make a life for yourself. I couldn't do that."

"Brian, there are so many things I never say. So many things I keep hidden."

"I know that. But the fact that you keep them hidden just proves my point." Brian raised his eyebrow at Adam, who shook his head.

"I don't know." Brian sighed. "I just felt like I couldn't measure up; all the time. It made me feel ashamed when I looked in the mirror, and it gave me another reason to be angry." Brian said. He saw Adam open his mouth to speak. "No, man. It's got nothing to do with you. It's me. It's my problem." He explained. "But getting away, I started thinking. Especially, all that time I spent at CSU, SF."

"What?" Adam looked up at Brian.

"I _hated_ school, remember? The only reason I kept at it was to play sports."

Adam nodded. "You used to always figure what the least number of assignments you could complete and still pass. It was the first thing you did every semester. It was ridiculous. The math you had to do to figure that out. It was harder than any school work."

"Yeah. Remember riding the bus with me on away games?" Brian's eyes blazed and suddenly Adam understood.

"You always wanted to know what time we'd get back." He answered his voice full of wonder. "You used to drive coach nuts!"

"'I don't know, Brian. It depends on how fast you win, and how quick we load the bus.' That's what coach used to say, remember?"

"I do."

"I hated leaving home." Brian said voicing what Adam had already understood. "I_ hated_ it. I always only wanted to be home; at the ranch."

Adam sat down again in the big easy chair, utterly surprised.

"I was so focused on being angry. It was like I forgot who I was and forgot what I even wanted for myself." He looked up at Adam. "I never wanted to leave the ranch. I _always_, my whole life long, just wanted to be here; to be like him."

"Brian." Adam's voice was soft and his eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for blaming you. I'm sorry for forgetting."

"Brian, you don't have to . . .I screw things up pretty good. I don't say thank you. I don't . . .I get so stuck in making it through to the next day. I take for granted all the things you do."

"Don't apologize. You are ridiculous, you know that? You and me, were in the same boat. The only difference between us is eighteen months. And you act like _you're_ the one saddling me with responsibility."

"I am." Adam said with wide-eyes. "It's me that leans on you."

"Damn it! Adam, you didn't drive that big rig!" Brian crouched down in front of Adam who kept his head down, his eyes on the floor.

"Neither did you."

"No." Brian said softly, sitting back on the coffee table to Adam's right. "But we pay the price for the bastard who did, don't we?"

"Yeah." Adam said looking up. "We do."

"It is _our_ burden. Just like it is _our_ ranch." Brian said patiently.

"Circle Bar Seven." Adam said.

"Circle Bar Seven." Brian agreed. "Thank you, for that. You do say thank you, when you think of it Adam. You just don't have much time for thinking."

Adam looked up at Brian, swallowing down a wave of tears. Crying wasn't something he had time for either. He reached for Brian's hand.

"Are you still angry?" He asked his younger brother; his right hand man; his best friend.

"I don't know, but I guess maybe . . ." He squeezed Adam's fingers and released his hand. "Part of me isn't, but part of me still is. But not at you. I'm not angry at you anymore."

"I wish . . ."

"Ah, hell, Adam. Wishing is for babies. You and me are men. We accept the life we've been given and make the best of it. That's what Daddy would do." He sighed stretching his back, feeling more tired than he ever had. "I guess, I _understand_ my anger better. I don't know if it will fix things, but at least I don't feel so . . ."

"Tormented." Adam finished his thought. "I could see you were tormented. I missed it with Crane and I didn't want to miss it again."

"_We_ missed it with Crane." Brian corrected. "God, I'm tired. You gonna let me go to bed, Dad or do we gotta talk about our feelings some more?"

"Don't call me Dad, Bri." Adam said shaking his head angrily. He hated when they did that.

"Why does that piss you off so much? 'Specially when the little fellas do it. They are just teasing, you know."

"It isn't funny." Adam said.

"No, it is funny because it is true. They could've called you that before. You've always fussed over everyone. Their dying didn't make you that way. You were always that way." Brian turned to go up the stairs. "Night, Brother."

"Night, Bri." Adam said still trying to work his way through the conversation. "You never said what happened with Marlene?"

"Oh hell! I didn't call her!" Brian said suddenly. "I promised . . ." He ran for the phone.

"Hello?" He said. "I'm sorry. I know. I know, Marlene! Come on, give me a break." Brian spoke into the phone, and Adam wanted to laugh hearing the fear in his brother's voice. "No, he's right here." He held the phone out to Adam, and all laughter left him, as he reached for the phone.

"Junior!" Her voice was sharp.

"Adam." He corrected her, deciding to adopt Danny's technique and be stubborn.

"Oh, no! When you forget to call me and tell me your brother got home, you are most definitely, Junior!"

"Alright, you've got a point. We are sorry. He's home, Marlene."

"Good." She said her voice softening. "You boys are such a trial to me."

"I know." He said smiling and understanding her completely. "We really are."

"Give Guthrie a kiss. And Danny. And Evan and sweet little Ford. Give Crane a kiss, but feed him something first, and then give Brian a great big kiss while you are at it."

"Hell no!" Adam laughed. "I'll kiss the little ones and I'll feed Crane, but I will not kiss Brian!"

"Coward." She said laughing.

"Thanks again." He said.

"I'm getting awfully tired of cleaning up your messes, Junior."

"I love you too." He said understanding that what she said, wasn't what she meant at all.

***7***

Brian shifted in his bed as Guthrie kicked him in the side again. "Hey, Buckaroo, lay off the kicking." He said quietly.

"It must be good to be home." Adam said laughing from his bed.

"I bet he wants to sleep with you." Brian said.

"Oh, no! He missed his Bri Bri!" Adam laughed again.

"You know thinking about accepting this life and living the realities of it are two different things." Brian said.

"Ain't that the truth?"

"'Ain't'? Try not to sound like a hick, huh, Junior."

"Don't call me Junior, Bri Bri."

"You wanna make me?"

"I don't want to wake up Guthrie. He's a pill if he doesn't get enough sleep." Adam said.

"Chicken." Brian said feeling more relaxed than he had in days; in years.

"You still didn't tell me about what happened with Marlene." Adam said quietly.

"Oh. Well, it wasn't that big of a deal. It just started me thinking." Brian said.

"It must be a big deal. You've avoided telling me for the last six hours."

"Six hours? Oh, God! It's late! We're gonna be dragging around tomorrow."

"See! Still avoiding it." Adam said.

"It's . . . well, it is embarrassing, is all." Brian sighed.

"Oh, well that will keep me from asking . . ."

"Adam . . ."

"Oh, come on. You've seen me at my most pathetic. Tell me."

"We were cooking. She wanted to bake bread. I hadn't really said much of anything, I guess I'd been there maybe two days. Anyway, she held her tongue. She's one tough lady, I'll give you that. She must've wanted to grill me, but she just bided her time."

"She's good at that."

"So we are baking bread, and all of the sudden I'm thinking about those biscuits again."

"Oh." Adam knew immediately what Brian meant.

***7***

The Biscuit Incident, as he always thought of it, happened about five months after their parents had died. The families of Murphys had been bringing them food, but still Brian tried to cook himself too. He was trying to keep his mother's recipes going. So, he had decided to make biscuits and gravy. He started out cheerfully, but Adam had paled seeing his mother's neat writing on the card in Brian's hand. He had walked out of the kitchen, unable to watch, distracted by his memories of her long, beautiful fingers.

Dinner had been late that night. It had been late by nearly two hours. He'd been stunned at the disaster in the kitchen, but said nothing. Brian was bristling with rage, and Adam thought it best to leave things alone.

They ate in silence, even the little boys sensing Brian's dark mood.

"These biscuits are pretty good." Crane had said. How thankful he was for Crane; his beautifully sweet, and caring brother who was determined to take care of everyone his eyes rested on from the time he could walk.

Brian had shifted uncomfortably in his chair, dropping his fork noisily.

"No. I mean it Brian." Crane had continued in his sweet, high voice. "They are different, but they are good."

Adam had watched as Brian's shoulders sagged, stunned at what was going on in front of him.

"I couldn't . . .I couldn't . . .I tried three times, but they aren't right. I followed the card exactly."

"There must've been something she did that wasn't on the card." Adam had said gently, his heart swelling with compassion.

"I can't ask her." Brian looked up his eyes brimming with tears. "We'll never get it right. Never again." And gripping the side of the table in his strong hands he had hung his head and sobbed. Crane was there almost immediately, crawling into his lap, and wrapping his skinny little arms around his big brother. All his days, Adam would remember with anguish the sound of Crane's baby soft voice whispering, "Shhh, it's okay. It's okay, Bri. Shh."

***7***

"I just kept thinking about it. Those stupid biscuits, and I started bawling all over again. Marlene must've thought I was nuts. I sat on the floor of her kitchen sobbing like a baby. She just sat there next to me. I must've been crying pretty loud because Mike came in and sat on the other side. God, it was almost like having parents again; the two of them beside me - Mike's hand on my shoulder and Marlene's arm around me. After that, I talked - some it was stuff I told you. I told her about being angry and feeling lost. She didn't say anything and neither did Mike. They just listened. When I was done, Mike just \ squeezed my hand and said, 'I swear, Brian if that bastard weren't already in jail, I'd go kill the son of a bitch with my bare hands, right now.'"

Adam chuckled. "I bet Marlene appreciated that."

"You know what she said?" Brian looked up at Adam with a grin.

Adam shook his head. "Tell me!"

"'That son of a bitch ain't worth the time it would take for you to grab hold of him. It's these boys that matter, and I'm not wasting a second of my time thinking about that bastard, and I'll be damned if I let him ruin your life, Brian. You just gotta fight your way back.'"

"She swore!" Adam was stunned.

"Like a sailor." Brian laughed.

"I can't believe it! I wish I'd have heard it."

"I still can't believe it and I was there." Brian said and paused thinking. "She's right though. We can't let him ruin our lives. I can't allow my life to be filled with all that anger. I just need to shift my view - away from all that's lost and to look to what we do have."

"Yeah." Adam agreed.

"I got six brothers which is more than most folks, and this town that for better or worse, has decided to adopt us, and God knows why, but Mike and Marlene love us like we were their own."

"Lots of folks love us." Adam said. "Remember all those pies, and casseroles. And that book or recipes they gave you, so you could cook."

"The way every single high school teacher rearranged their schedules so I could have all my class in the mornings."

"Mr. Sims, taught a class at seven a.m. just for you." Adam said.

"The feed store, the grocery store, the cafe - they all pitched in. The way everyone helped looked for Crane when he went missing, and showed up at the hospital last month when Ford was so sick."

"'This pain isn't yours alone.'" Adam remembered.

"No. We aren't orphans at all." Brian said sleepily.

"We'll fight our way through it." Adam said yawing. "We aren't city boys. We are tougher than that."

"Damn straight." Brian said his voice fading on each word.

_I'm falling asleep like some little kid._ He thought. But he was so tired, he just couldn't fight it anymore. He drifted to sleep, his baby brother curled next to him, his oldest brother snoring on the other side of the room. His dreams were as sweet as the night air that drifted in the windows; they were filled with the loving faces of his parents smiling down on him. His father turned to him, and said, 'Good job, Brian! I am so proud of you. You are doing just fine!' But as the dream continued his father's face morphed and changed so that it was Adam praising him, and then it changed one last time, repeating the message, 'Good Job, Brian! I am so proud of you. You are doing just fine." But this last time the face that looked down on him with love and pride, was his very own.


	17. Chapter 17

1988

Hannah leaned against her husband's shoulder, as she danced in his arms. She felt gloriously happy, but could feel his nervous tension.

"Are you ready?" She asked him.

"No. Is it time?" He sounded nervous.

"Just about. Come on, you'll do just great." She squeezed him tighter. "You've practiced and practiced."

"You do it."

"Oh no! We talked about this. You get to wear the tuxedo; you do the toast." She said laughing.

"There's more people than I thought." He looked around.

"Don't worry about them. This is for him. Just speak from your heart." She kissed his cheek.

"You're coming up there with me." He said meeting her eye.

"I'm always with you." She said with a laugh.

He led her off the dance floor and to the front table, approaching the microphone nervously.

The room grew quiet.

"You go first." He whispered to Hannah, pushing her forward.

"Thanks." She whispered back.

"Hello." She said softly into the microphone and the room grew quiet. "Hi." She laughed nervously. "When Brian came to us, and asked both Adam and me to be his best man, well," She cleared her throat. "Well, to be honest I burst into tears." She admitted her voice choking up again. "My brother and I . . . " She sighed. "Well, you know." She said looking at him and Brian nodded. "I am so honored. But we decided that Adam here, looks best in the tuxedo, so he got to stand up front with Brian, but" She glanced over at Brian who sat smiling at the head table with his new wife, Caroline leaning on his arm, "I love my brother, and I am proud to stand with him. I wish you all the happiness, I've had and more besides." She nodded her head at him, lifting her glass to him.

He lifted his glass, as did the rest of the room and said, "I love you too, Sis."

She stepped back and pushed Adam forward.

"My brother and I have paved a long road together. And, I am probably the first best man to ever say this, but uh, Brian was my first wife." The room exploded in laughter. "It might make you laugh, but it really is true. We spent a lifetime raising a family together. Brian's been at my side, well, since eighteen months after I was born." He shrugged. "I think Caroline is crazy." He glanced over at his new sister-in-law. "I do. I mean, I know he's good looking and all, but he snores like a freight train. You seem like a really nice girl - you must be because you _willingly_ threw your lot in with us. I had to _trick _my wife." He glanced back at Hannah who stood behind him holding onto his arm. She squeezed his arm affectionately.

"I spent so much time working on this and still, I couldn't find words to say all that I hope for you, Bri, and all that you've meant to me. We faced the worst together. Losing our parents was horrible. It was as if the truck that hit them, knocked us down too, and I didn't think I could rise. I _knew_ I couldn't rise. But I did. And I'll tell you how - my brother lifted me up. The only way I could stand was leaning on him. You've been the best brother, the best friend, a man could ask for. So I'm proud to stand up for you today. Now, we get to face the best together. I'm so happy that you have found someone - that you have found someone _else_ to lean on." He laughed and lifted his glass. "Raise your glass for my brother and his wife. May your marriage be long and filled with love, and may you always remember that your brothers, and your sister," He pulled Hannah forward so that she stood beside him. "are cheering you on with love, and most of all, that your parents are looking down on you with great joy and pride." He lifted his glass and standing, Brian blinked back tears as he lifted his glass too. As the room was filled with voices calling out, "Cheers!" and "Congratulations!" Brian rose and crossed to where his brother stood.

"Thank you." Brian said.

"No." Adam said seriously and pulling him close into a hug. "Thank _you._"


End file.
